CHILD AGGRESSION.
IS THE BABY FIGHTING? WHAT TO DO?
psychologist Marina Morozova
If a child fights, many parents feel confused and do not know how to react to it. "I don't know what to do anymore. The son is fighting in kindergarten every day, fights on the playground. I have tried everything, nothing helps. I do not know what to do".
Of course, each case is individual.
At Ochoa, her students make checklists and cross off each item after they put it in their backpacks so that all the books and materials are delivered home. This starts a healthy habit of taking upper classes. And children are rewarded for their positive behavior: for every day a student brings homework to school, she has to remove the basket at the end of the week. She gets one day without homework for every basket she makes.
Working Mom Plan: Try to make lists. Have your child make a list of what she needs to bring to school and cross off each item as it piles up the day before. When she succeeds, say, two weeks in a row, reward her compliance with a fairly new folder or bright highlighter.
IS THE CHILD FIGHTING IN KINDERGARTEN OR SCHOOL?
If a child fighting in kindergarten or school, that is, not with you, it can be difficult to understand the situation. It is NOT necessary to talk in front of the child with one of the adults who witnessed the fight, and separately with the child himself. Versions, most likely, they will be different. But if your child clearly explained the reasons for the fight, then most likely he is right. If a child defended himself or a friend, or his toys, other things, then it is important to teach him to defend himself and defend his interests without a fight, explaining to him that a fight is the most exceptional case.
But the question is for you, dear parents, do you know how to protect yourself and your interests?
Bullying This totally unacceptable behavior can range from physical aggression and verbal attacks to exclusion of certain children from activities. Teacher tactic: Touch empathy. The fact that children understand empathy at this age is key to disrupting these behaviors, says Ochoa. Explaining that a classmate is sick, hurt, or upset as a result of a child's actions can help that child understand why it's important to stop. "We also play a role in helping them deal with problems in a positive way," she adds.
In no case should you scold or punish a child, the child may perceive this as an injustice towards him, and even a betrayal on your part. In the future, this may lead to the fact that we will beware of defending ourselves, and this must be able to every person.
As an example, I will give one case.
I was contacted by the mother of a 10-year-old girl. Sveta absolutely did not know how and was even afraid to defend herself in various situations with her peers. In the course of consultation with mother it was found out the following.
When the girl was 7 years old in the school yard, her classmate put a large stone in the hood of her coat. Sveta took out a cobblestone, swung it and hit the offender in the face, almost hitting him in the eye, that is, she exceeded the measures of necessary self-defense. For this, the girl was punished both at school and in the family. Since then, she has become afraid to defend herself, so as not to accidentally harm someone.
Working Mom's Plan: Tie it to social privilege "We tell parents to encourage their kids to earn the right to be around other kids in after school activities or sports," says Ochoa. If they cannot treat others kindly, they lose that right. Instead of focusing on these consequences as punishment, discuss how your child can reclaim privilege by treating classmates with respect. If it's not possible to logically suspend daytime activities, ban sleepovers or weekends with friends and ask your child to bring them back with better behavior.
If a fight or other manifestation of aggression is a one-time case of self-defense, then it is important to talk with the child, explain to him the possible consequences of this, but do not scold or punish.
Another thing, if the child himself constantly starts fights. In this case, it is also important to talk with the child, find out the reasons for this. Maybe your child sees everyone as an enemy. Then, together with him, look for virtues in other children.
Or punishes other children for not wanting to play with him (be friends). Then it is important to explain to him that in this way he achieves the opposite result. No one will play and be friends with fighters. Teach him how to make friends with other kids.
So, sixth grader Sergei constantly beat his classmates, but Petya got it the most. As it turned out from Sergei's explanations, earlier he tried to make friends with Petya, but he did not want to be friends with the fighter, and now Sergei took revenge on him for rejection. If a child fights, there is always a reason for it. You will not be able to change something until you find out his motives and reasons.
They want the kids that grown kids used to be able to still act childish, which makes adults hesitant to offer extra perks. “They are also fearless and love to experiment with new experiences,” he says.
Talking Back As children figure out how to establish independence and mature, they sometimes turn out to be disrespectful. They may also try to impress friends and make themselves feel powerful by being sassy with teachers and other adults.
IF YOUR CHILD FIGHTS IN YOUR PLAYGROUND
If the fight happened in front of you, do not scold the child, otherwise he will still fight, but when you are not around. But do not defend him until you figure out who is right and who is wrong. Such a reaction can lead the baby to a sense of permissiveness. First understand the situation.
If your child is wrong, encourage him to apologize to the other child and make amends. If he refuses, then take him home. Explain to him that fighting is bad, but don't tell him that he is bad.
Discuss in private with your child what the consequences of his pugnacity might be. Suppose a neighbor boy is offended by him and does not want to play with him, other children do not want to play with him either, he can hurt another child, explain that when he hits another, it hurts.
Aggressive attitude towards peers
Training tactic: Stop back and forth. You don't want to go on and on with a kid in a hot moment because he "just wants the last word," Clarke says. One day, when a student was brazen, Clarke asked him, "Are you being smart with me?" The student's response is "Maybe". Clark stopped and waited for a quieter moment the next day to ask the kid why he was being disrespectful. The student admitted that he felt bad, he was embarrassed and did not know how to handle the situation. Clark accepted the apology and reiterated that talking is never a way to gain respect or be seen in a positive light.
IF A CHILD FIGHTS WITH PARENTS OR OTHER FAMILY MEMBERS
If a child swings at you, catch him and hug him. Hug until he calms down. After that, say that if he hurts or feels bad, then he can tell you about it.
If he not only swung, but hit you(or fights you regularly), don't yell at him. It is possible that unconsciously he wants to get just such a reaction and thus attracts your attention. On the contrary, say that it hurts you and show with all your appearance that you are offended by him, step back, turn away, leave the room or take him out. Let another family member (if the situation has become a witness) come up to you and take pity on you in the presence of the child, but ignoring him, stroke your “sore spot”, show that you are in pain.
Working Mom Plan: Wait for a quiet moment. The wrong time to fight a battle is when a child is in defiant mood. Catch your child another time when they are calmer and happier to discuss the right way to talk to an adult so they can be heard, understood and respected.
Violation of the rules. Teacher tactics: Be clear and frank. During the orientation process, Clark explains to the students that he and his staff expect them to follow them, all from which one can answer a question and always "thank you" as walking in the hallways. Expectations are clarified from day one.
HOW YOU SHOULD BE WHEN YOUR CHILD IS FIGHTING
Remember that a lot depends on how you react to your child's fights. Shouting at a child, let alone hitting him, is useless and ineffective.
In case of a fight first help the child cope with anger (read about this below), then figure out who is right, who is to blame, who violated existing rules or agreements, and help think of several other ways to resolve the conflict.
Most often, they say to a fighter: "If you are fighting, then you are bad. Petya does not fight, which means he is good." Remember that you can criticize the behavior, but not the child himself. It is very important not to compare your child with other children (in no one's favor). In addition, for you, your child is always good, and you love him in any way. And it's important to tell him. Perhaps it is no coincidence that the words beloved and any have the same root "love".
Working Mom Plan: Give the tools with the rules. Be super specific about what was expected. What's his next move if he can't handle the class? What should he do if he won't be home by curfew? How should he react if someone offers him drugs or alcohol? Discuss possible ways to solve both common and complex scenarios, and he will have the tools to solve them.
You don't want to go on and on with a child in a heated moment because he "just wants the last word," Clarke says. Teen convinces that teens can be moody and contentious, and their budding desire to date and be sexual can be difficult for adults.
Do not forbid the child to feel and express anger, irritation, anger. Don't use phrases like "Don't shout!", "Don't get angry!", "Don't fight!", don't make him feel guilty about those feelings. Do not tell him stories about the fact that somewhere there are children who never get angry. Help him to respond correctly in these situations, but first learn how to do it yourself. After all, the child imitates you in everything. Anger is a natural defensive reaction. And it is important not to suppress it, but to learn to give it a way out.
But a lot also depends on your reaction to the aggressive behavior of the child.
Training Tactic: Offering Sex "It's important to have a good high school in high schools,” says Clarke. The earlier children learn age-appropriate information about sex and relationships, the easier it is to discuss such things with them later. Parenting Mom's Plan: Talk to him early. School sex is not enough. Parents should also discuss sex with their children on early stage. You don't want your child's main messages to come from peers and the media. family values and the physical and emotional consequences of unprotected and casual sex.
HOW TO HELP A CHILD COME WITH AGGRESSION?
Often young children, when they are angry, do not themselves understand what is happening to them. It is important to explain to them. For example, "You are now angry with Vanya, because he took your typewriter to play without asking your permission" or "You are angry with your dad because he does not allow you to play on the computer."
Sympathize with him: "Of course, this is unpleasant. I understand you," "If I were you, I would also be angry (unhappy) if my thing was taken without asking."
How less baby, the less he realizes what he is doing in a fit of anger. As a rule, children do not understand that they are hurting others when they fight. And this must be explained to the child in his language, given his age. In addition, children still do not know how to control their anger. By the way, do you know how?
Let your child know that you will not judge when he comes to you with concern. If you create a foundation for open discussion, he will feel freer to bring up sexual topics as he matures and need guidance.
Teachers with behavior problems probably can't help you get your child to sleep at a reasonable hour. Consistency in time and technique is important for all ages. Ages 2 to 5 Young children often struggle with sleep because they are afraid of being separated from you. Maybe an evening routine might help, which might include a bath, brushing your teeth, bedtime, and a kiss. Good night. If your little one is really struggling, you can try to leave the room and come back at short intervals, says Dr.
Encourage your child to tell you about their feelings.
Teach him to voice his feelings in "I - messages", for example, "I was angry because you broke my phone", "I feel bad when my things are taken without asking." Thus, you teach him to express anger with words, and not with action.
Of course, express your feelings in "I-messages" too. "I'm sorry that you scattered all things."
Show different ways expressions of anger: stomp, clap your hands, crumple and tear paper, cut with scissors, throw soft balls.
To respond to anger in boys, games of "war" are useful, in brave and strong heroes from fairy tales, cartoons, films that uphold justice and goodness, in "fights with the dragon, the Serpent Gorynych, Koshchei the Immortal", in which your son will act as a brave hero and winner of evil. In such games, good always wins. Buy military toys for your son: tanks, pistols, swords. With the help of them, he will also be able to respond to his aggression.
Age 6 to 10 Children school age distracted from sleep by a computer or TV. Berman recommends reducing screen time on weekdays. A good compromise allows books in bed with night lighting. “Choosing to read gives kids a sense of power,” she says.
Understanding the reason
Taming the Big 4 Although every child is unique, there are some discipline issues that plague most families. Jenn Berman offers positive tactics for managing the most common behavioral mistakes. Let your rusty child know what the effect is in question instead of criticizing him or his behavior. For example, "When you talk to me like that, it makes me not want to help you."
You can vent your anger in role playing where there is "aggressor" and "victim", for example, "cat and dog", "cat and mouse", "wolf (fox) and hare". Important: in such games, change places so that the child visits both roles, and any game should end well, at a truce. In role-playing games, it is necessary to show the child the possible consequences of aggression and teach other, peaceful ways to resolve the conflict. Of course, first you have to learn them yourself.
Direct his aggression in a different direction, for example, he can throw out anger in sports. You can hang a punching bag in the house.
You can react to anger in all games where there is an opportunity to hit, kick: it's all simple games with the ball, football, hockey, badmenton, tennis, basketball, of course, all kinds of wrestling. Even the simplest charge will help relieve stress.
On walks, encourage the child to move more, run, jump. Be sure to dance with your child.
Watch good programs, cartoons and films with your child, read fairy tales in which good triumphs over evil. Keep away from cartoons and films that show violence.
Sing and listen to good, cheerful songs.
Act out scenes from fairy tales and cartoons with toys, from the child's life (without naming names), act out different ways of resolving conflicts.
Ask your child to come up with new ways to resolve the situation in a peaceful way. For example, a scene in a sandbox can be played using the example of two bunnies. One took the toy from the other. What to do in such a situation? For example, play this toy together, together or in turn.
I also want to offer you the following games that you can play with your child from time to time, and especially when he is angry.
Make sure you are modeling respectful behavior. It will take time to alleviate this, says Dr. Berman, but the goal is to get the siblings to work out the war on their own. Walk small children through it, she advises. If your kids struggle to use the same toy, ask them to come up with a plan to share it.
You can control the discussion and intervene when needed, but the more practice they have with their problems, the better. Also be careful not to create a crisis, for example by dragging your child to try on shoes when she missed her sleep or is hungry. If your child still refuses, the consequences must be related to the crime, says Dr. If her things are left on the floor, they are taken away.
The game "Evil Pillow" or "Whipping Pillow"
We choose a separate pillow, which we beat, bite, trample, kick when we are angry. At the same time, you can scream directly into the pillow. Then on this pillow in no case should you sleep or lie down. Such a pillow must be stored in a special place.
Magic bag game
Sew or pick up a special "magic" bag in which you can talk about your grievances, pain, anger, annoyance and other feelings. Explain and show your child how to use it.
"This bag has the magical property of turning unpleasant feelings into calm ones. To do this, you need to open the bag and say everything you feel into it. And then close it (tie it, fasten it with a button). Then this feeling will fall into the bag and remain in it until then until it disappears. This bag can dissolve bad feelings. And you will feel light and calm."
Encourage the child to use the magic bag whenever he is angry, offended when he has Bad mood to make it a habit for him.
Cash rewards should only be paid for additional duties, such as helping to clean the closet. Start with your little one insisting on wearing a school tutu or a superhero? Or is your preschooler insisting that blue Dutch socks go with her pink flower?
Many parents fight the fashion wars with their kids and get them dressed up, especially during busy mornings. But before this becomes a battle where no one wins, let's consider whether a child's fashion choice is really inappropriate or something else. Much of the fight over clothes has to do with young children pursuing their independence. Toddlers and preschoolers, especially, develop a sense of dignity and often push established boundaries. Similarly, older children may be trying to figure out who they are and how to express themselves in clothing choices.
CAUSES OF CHILD AGGRESSION
If you or someone in your family hits a child(dad, older brother), or someone in the family (let's say dad beats mom), do not doubt that this is the main reason for child aggression.
Your aggression towards the child leads to the fact that he redirects his aggression to the weaker ones. He cannot answer you YET, but he takes out his anger on other children. Think about the example you are setting for him. The child is your mirror, it reflects you and what is happening in your family. If you change your behavior, he will change too.
Unfortunately, aggression in the family is still the norm. 90% of my clients admit to me (not immediately) that they beat or beat their children. Moreover, many people do not consider spanking and cuffs to be a manifestation of aggression. And they simply do not represent other ways of raising children.
Tips for dealing with child abuse with clothing
However, children learn to dress and choose their own clothes and style, however, are important life skills that we as parents should help them learn. Here are some ways to reduce power struggles over clothing choices and dressing.
List clothing options and scenarios that you and your parenting partner feel are inappropriate for children. Clothing that doesn't protect your child from the weather or clothing that doesn't fit the occasion can result in an inappropriate listing. Jeans might be OK for a friend's birthday party, but not for a formal event, for example. Ask yourself: "I really don't care if my child goes to preschool with one pink sock and one purple sock if she did it all herself?" "Does it matter if my average high school student wears all black and wants to plant his hair in the latest trend?" Perhaps, but most kids are just experimenting with self-expression , showing independence, Or expressing a rebellious but, but. Ultimately, most of us must conform to the social expectations of appropriate clothing in order to be successful, and learn these skills over time. Consider the root reason for their fashion choices and decide if it's worth the fight. Let the kids dress up by offering them a choice. When you can, give young children at least two clothing options and options with acceptable results. "Do you want to wear your blue pants or green shorts today?" For babies and children younger age, the bandage may not be so much "clothing" as "clothes". Small children just don't want to get dressed sometimes, and this is especially true in the morning and when we're in a hurry. Avoid power struggles with children by letting them get dressed for the next day at night. Dress them up for bed in comfy sweats or short outfits, depending on the season. In the morning, change your baby's diaper, brush his hair, and go. Reserve the right to veto certain outfits and clothing. Even if you feel comfortable, let them know that you reserve the right to object to them in certain attire. Explain the reasons for the veto so that the children understand why their clothing choices are inappropriate. Or remind them when some outfit fits. “You can wear your raincoat any time you want at home, but when we go to religious services, the mouse stays at home,” for example. Be in accordance with the rules of fashion and the expectations of the child. Once you've set expectations with your child's wardrobes and clothes, stick to them. Don't teach your child to outlive you. Avoid falling into the trap I said No. Okay, just once. Set parent selection days. From the moment your children are young, you can set occasions when your child should wear what you choose. These may be holidays, religious services, special ceremonies or family gatherings. Plan the "outfit ahead" for the kids. For preschoolers, try choosing all the outfits for the week to avoid morning power struggles and battles, or give your child two outfits to choose from when dressing up. For especially independent chests of drawers, remove any clothes that you don't want to let your child wear from your closet. "I got dressed today" stickers so your child can be proud of their choice. Shop for clothes and outfits together. To let the kids know about your expectations before they get to the store. For example, "We buy school shoes, not flip flops today." Give your child a clothing budget for each shopping trip. let him or her decide what clothes and shoes he or she wants.
- First, identify inappropriate clothing options.
- Draw your lines and take good care of your clothing battles.
If you scream or swing at a child, insult and humiliate him, threaten him with a belt, "break" him, put pressure on him - you form the role of a victim in him. But the victim of parental terror in a different situation with the weaker acts as a "tormentor". At home he is the "victim" and in kindergarten or on the playground he is the "tormentor".
Let's take a look at other common causes of child aggression:
- 1) The inability of parents to cope with their own aggression. Let's say you yell at a child and at each other, you are often irritated, you can barely contain your anger or vice versa, you suppress your aggression, you do not acknowledge and do not accept your feelings.
Aggressive parents have aggressive children. If you do not know what to do with your aggression, then how can you teach this to your child? If you break down on your child, then suffer from guilt, then the problem is with you, and you need to urgently contact a psychologist. - 2) Constant criticism of the child. Very often, parents give little or no praise to their children, they perceive success as the norm, but they react emotionally and negatively to any mistake. If you know this feature behind you, learn to emotionally respond to the slightest achievements of the child, thus positively reinforcing them.
- 3) Indifference to the child, lack of attention and love for him. In this case, with the help of aggressive behavior, the child can attract YOUR attention, even if only with a minus sign.
- 4) Harsh atmosphere in the house and iron discipline.
- 5) Indifference and ignoring the aggressive behavior of the child. If you do not react in any way to the child's pugnacity and other forms of aggression (for example, you took away a toy from another baby), then in this way you encourage him.
- 6) The praise of the child and the pride that he gives change, behaves like a real kid, naturally, also reinforces his pugnacity.
- 7) The child's aggression may be an unconsciously adopted feeling of one of your family members and even ancestors. I'll give you an example.
I was approached by the mother of 4-year-old Vasya, who fought every day in kindergarten, beat children on the playground. We made a deal with her.
As a result of the arrangement, it turned out that Vasya was identified with his maternal great-grandfather (mother's grandfather), who during the Great Patriotic War He was taken to a camp and never returned. Of course, the theme "victim - tormentor" was very strongly manifested in the fate of his great-grandfather. Being a victim of fascist tormentors, he could not help but feel aggression and a desire to take revenge, to stand up for himself. What the great-grandfather failed to do, his great-grandson Vasya does instead, who unconsciously "took" his aggression. After Vasya was disidentified with his great-grandfather in the arrangement and freed himself from other people's feelings that had nothing to do with him, the boy stopped fighting.
Why is your child fighting? Each case is unique, and it is important to understand each situation separately. If the previous tips did not help you, then The best way make a difference - family constellations
When reprinting articles by psychologist Marina Morozova, an active link to this site and the name of the author is required.
The question of why the child is fighting begins to worry parents quite early - the first manifestations of aggression on the part of the baby can be observed from the age of six months. The next "wave" of aggression occurs at the age of 1.5-2 years. There are quite objective prerequisites for this, connected with the peculiarities of the development of the psyche of the baby and his upbringing.
Aggressive behavior up to a year
In the first months of life, the child expresses dissatisfaction with the help of screams and facial expressions. A six-month-old baby, in addition, is already able to bite and pinch - this is his way of showing the world his negative feelings. Anger is one of the basic human emotions. nervous system person. It is important for children to immediately begin to explain (verbally and by actions) that emotions should be expressed in socially acceptable ways.
If a baby under the age of one fights, this means that he unconsciously reacts to the negative emotional background of his mother, with whom he is still closely connected. To exclude aggression on his part, it is important for the mother to deal with her problems, relax more and walk in the fresh air with the baby.
Children's aggression at the age of about 1.5 years
A child who has learned to walk and climb furniture faces many prohibitions, most of which are related to the safety of the baby, who can fall off the arm of the sofa, hit the corner of the furniture while running around the room or drop a heavy flower pot on himself.
Another part of the prohibitions concerns maintaining the order and integrity of things - one-year-old children need vigorous activity, which can be expressed in the fact that they dump the contents of the wardrobe on the floor, tear books, dropping them from the shelf, throwing small objects (pencils, coins, etc.) into the toilet.
So that the child does not injure himself and does not cause serious damage to property, almost every step of his is accompanied by a formidable “no” from an adult. The parent shows concern, but the children perceive numerous prohibitions as a threat to their independence, the need for which is growing every day.
As a result, children experience anger, and this emotion pours out in the form of acts of aggression - the child fights with his parents, grandmother or nanny, i.e., with a source of restrictions.
What can help in this case? It is important for parents to limit the number of prohibitions - they should relate to actions that are truly dangerous for children. And try to make the apartment an environment as safe as possible for the baby:
- special pads are put on the corners of the furniture;
- doors of cabinets and bedside tables, drawers are equipped with latches so that the child cannot open them;
- from the lower shelves and other places within reach, all items that the baby can injure or spoil are removed.
This approach does not mean that the child can be safely left to himself - you still have to look after him. But this will help to remove from his life a lot of "unnecessary" prohibitions that provoke discontent and aggression, the baby will noticeably less fight with loved ones.
The origins of childhood aggression around the age of 2 years
Children at the age of 2 clearly show negative emotions, this is due to a whole range of reasons. Their list includes:
- Insufficient speech development. If a child at 2 years old cannot verbally express his feelings, he resorts to the simplest method - physical influence.
- Lack of self-control and communication skills with other children. Fights between kids over toys are a striking example of this. This is directly related to the lack speech development, because with blows, bites and pinches, children replace verbal communication that is inaccessible to them.
- Need for adult help. If the kid does not succeed in what he is trying to do (draw, build from cubes, etc.), he begins to get angry, disappointed and annoyed. He takes all these emotions out on his parents, who did not come to his aid.
- Lack of parental attention. The child provokes a fight with other children, having gained practical experience that such actions of his will not go unnoticed. The kid needs emotional contact with his parents in order to feel feedback, even if this contact is negative, it will turn into punishment.
- Aggressive behavior of parents, other relatives. Psycho-emotional violence from the side (with or without the use of physical measures) provokes reciprocal aggression from the baby. In addition, such a model of behavior is perceived by him as normal, and the child begins to behave accordingly, communicating with peers.
- Watching cartoons and movies where there is a lot of aggressive action. Children begin to copy the behavior of the heroes, not yet distinguishing what is good and what is evil, not understanding someone else's pain.
What should parents do
If a child fights with their parents, they often don't know how to respond properly. The aggressive actions of a baby under a year old are often met with laughter and tenderness. This is wrong - he should immediately see that blows, bites and pinches cause unpleasant emotions in parents. When the baby grows up a little, it is necessary to constantly explain to him what good and evil are, why it is impossible to hurt other people, animals.
If a kid beats his parents at the age of two, you can’t answer him in the same way - the words “you can’t fight”, backed up by a slap or a blow on the hands, fix in the kid’s mind permission for violence from the one who is stronger. As a result, your child on the playground or in kindergarten will find those who are weaker and cannot fight back, and pour out the accumulated aggression on them.
Feeling angry, disappointed, annoyed is normal, you can’t teach children to suppress emotions in themselves. It is important to learn to express these emotions in a socially acceptable way.
Parents who are concerned that their baby is fighting are advised to observe not only the behavior of the baby, but also themselves. Children copy adults, and often parents should start educating themselves, learn not to vent negative emotions on a child.
The age of one and a half to two years is the period when the baby is just beginning to become independent. It is difficult for him without parental support and psycho-emotional feedback. At the same time, excessive guardianship and a huge number of prohibitions hinder the development of the baby and cause him to internal protest.
It is important to find a reasonable balance and develop the baby's communication skills with other people. A child who feels parental support is emotionally stable and more open to communication without aggression and learning about the world around him.