Beautiful wedding dance of the bride and groom. Groom's dance: with whom and what to dance at the wedding? Cool dance of the bride and groom video

Abalakina M.A., Ageev V.S. Anatomy of understanding. - M., 1990.

Deinega G.F. Myths and reefs of marriage // Agarkov S.T., Deinega G.F., Malyarova N.V. Alphabet for two. - M., 1991.

Druzhinin V.N. Family psychology. - M., 1996.

Kovalev S.V. Psychology family relations. - M., 1987.

Kratokhvil S. Psychotherapy of family-sexual disharmony. Per. from Czech. - M., 1991.

Navaitis G.A. Husband, wife and ... a psychologist. - M., 1995.

Neubert R. A new book about matrimony. - M., 1983.

Psychological assistance and counseling in practical psychology / Ed. M.K. Tutushkina. - St. Petersburg, 1999.

Satir V. Psychotherapy of the family. - SPb., 2001.

Family psychotherapy in the center of psychological and pedagogical assistance / Ed. L.S. Alekseeva. - M., 1998.

Sysenko V.A. Marital conflicts. - M., 1983.

Secrets of two: Collection / Comp. S. Agarkov. Foreword G. Vasilchenko. - M., 1990.

Torokhty V.S. Psychology of social work with the family. - M., 1996.

Schneider L.B. Psychology of family relations. - M., 2000.

Young family Psychological features of premarital relations

The formation of a full-fledged family is a rather complicated process, and it is unlikely that there will be a marriage that would not experience a crisis in the first years of its existence. Perhaps the most difficult moment in establishing family life is psychological adaptation of spouses to the conditions of cohabitation and individual-personal characteristics each other, the formation of intra-family relations, the convergence of habits, ideas, values of young spouses and other family members. Depending on how the “grinding in” of two personalities at the initial stage of marriage goes, the viability of the family largely depends. From two, often very different halves, it is necessary to create a whole, not to lose yourself and at the same time not to destroy the inner world of the other. The philosopher I. Kant argued that a married couple should form, as it were, a single moral personality. It is very difficult to achieve such a union, since this process is associated with many difficulties beyond the control of a person. The most serious mistakes are made by young people even before marriage, during the period of courtship. As psychologists note, many young people make the decision to marry thoughtlessly, highlighting in the future spouse those character traits and personality traits that play an insignificant, secondary, and sometimes negative role in family life.

Therefore, the first problems of a young family begin with the problems of choosing a future spouse. According to psychologists' research, one of the most common reasons for the breakdown of relations between young spouses is disappointment in the marriage partner, since during the period of premarital communication, he could not (did not want, did not bother) to get as much information as possible about the future life partner. Approximately two thirds of future spouses meet by chance during leisure activities, sometimes just on the street. However, they usually do not know anything about each other.

Traditional forms of premarital communication are most often also associated with leisure activities. In these situations, partners usually see each other's "front", "outdoor" face: smart clothes, neat appearance, neat cosmetics, etc. hide external and characterological flaws. Even if partners spend not only their free time together, but also study or work together, they cannot get enough information about personality traits, role expectations, ideas and attitudes of each other necessary for living together, since these types of activities unrelated to family roles.

In addition, at the first stages of acquaintance, people generally tend, consciously or unconsciously, to try to seem better than they really are, mask their flaws and exaggerate their virtues. The situation of premarital cohabitation also does not allow one to get to know each other sufficiently, since in it the partners act in such roles that differ significantly from legal family ties. In trial marriages, the level of mutual responsibility is lower, parental functions are most often absent, household and budget can be only partially shared, etc.

The idea of the personal characteristics of a future life partner among young people often diverges from the qualities that are traditionally valued by communication partners. As the psychologist V. Zatsepin established, girls sympathize with young men who are energetic, cheerful, handsome, tall, who can dance, and they imagine their future spouse, first of all, as hardworking, honest, fair, smart, caring, able to control himself. Beautiful, cheerful, dancing-loving and humorous girls are popular among young men, and the future spouse should be, first of all, honest, fair, cheerful, hardworking, etc. Thus, young people understand that a marriage partner must have many qualities that are not mandatory for a communication partner. However, in reality, the criteria for mutual assessments often become external data and significant on this moment personal qualities that bring satisfaction in everyday communication (“an interesting interlocutor”, “the soul of the company”, “handsome, it’s nice to appear together in public”, etc.). With such a discrepancy, substitution family values premarital.

Arising in the process of leisure communication attachments and feelings create such an emotional image of a partner, when some of his realities are simply not noticed. In marriage, the emotional veil is gradually removed, the negative characteristics of the partner begin to fall into the center of attention, i.e. a realistic image is built, as a result of which disappointment or conflict may arise.

Sometimes there is simply not enough time to get to know a partner if the decision to marry is taken too hastily.

Quite often, the inaccuracy of mutual recognition, the idealization of each other can be due to the existence in the minds of people of evaluative stereotypes(for example, physiognomic delusions; everyday generalizations related to the profession, nationality, gender, social status, etc.). Such stereotypes lead to attributing missing traits to each other or projecting traits of one's ideal or one's own positive characteristics onto a partner.

Idealizations often promotes famous in social psychology"halo effect": a general favorable impression of a person, for example, based on his external data, leads to positive assessments of qualities that are not yet known, while shortcomings are not noticed or smoothed out. As a result of idealization, a purely positive image of a partner is created, but in marriage the “masks” fall off very quickly, premarital ideas about each other are refuted, fundamental disagreements emerge, and either disappointment sets in, or violent love turns into a more moderate emotional relationship.

This implies the need for self-determination when choosing the optimal ratio of specific advantages and disadvantages of the future marriage partner and the subsequent acceptance of the chosen one as he is. A contender for a hand and a heart is basically an already established personality, it is difficult to “remake” him, since the psychological “roots” go very far - to natural foundations, to the parental family, to the entire premarital life. Therefore, you need to focus on the positive that is in a person and not compare it with your standard or other candidates for life partners: they have their own shortcomings, which are usually not visible, as they are hidden under “masks”. You should also not compare your relationship with relationships in other couples: they have their own problems that are not visible to outsiders, so an illusion of complete well-being is created.

Of course, in love, unlike friendship, emotions prevail, not reason, but from the point of view of future family and marriage relations and in love, a certain amount of rationalism is necessary, the ability to analyze one's feelings and a partner's. However, it is not so easy for young people to understand feelings, to distinguish love from "thousands of fakes for it." The desire for warmth, pity, the need for a friend, the fear of loneliness, prestige considerations, pride, simply sexual desire associated with the satisfaction of a physiological need - all this is passed off or taken for love. Therefore, they sometimes recklessly marry, falling into the "trap of falling in love", which is far from the best effect on family relationships. Psychologists A. Dobrovich and O. Yasitskaya believe that “love traps” impede the process of mutual adaptation of young spouses and lead to quick disappointments in marriage, which does not contribute to the stabilization of the family. As such "traps" they identified the following:

"mutual acting": partners play romantic roles in accordance with the expectations of each other, friends and relatives, and in order not to deceive these expectations, they can no longer leave the accepted roles;

"community of interest": the sameness of hobbies is taken for the kinship of souls;

"wounded self-esteem": someone does not notice or rejects, and there is a need to win, to break resistance;

trap of "inferiority": a person who was not successful suddenly becomes an object of courtship and love;

"intimate luck": satisfaction with sexual relations obscures everything else;

"mutual availability": quick and easy rapprochement creates the illusion of complete compatibility and cloudless life on the marriage horizon;

pity trap: marriage out of a sense of duty, a sense of the need to patronize;

trap of "decency": a long period of acquaintance, intimate relationships, obligations to relatives or to each other morally force them to marry;

trap "benefit" or "shelter": in its purest form, these are “marriages of convenience”. Often the conclusion of a marital union is beneficial for one or both partners. Then, under the “sign” of love, mercantile and economic interests are hidden, according to some data, for women this is mainly the material security of the future husband, for men - an interest in the living space of the wife (apparently, this is due to the fact that men migrate more often, and after divorces end up in worse housing conditions).

"Traps" can lead to both love and a successful marriage, subject to overcoming selfishness, awareness of the motives for marriage and one's possible guilt.

Often the motivation for marriage is imitation and conformity (“to be like everyone else”). Such marital unions are sometimes referred to as "stereotype marriages".

A person may be pushed to marry fear of loneliness. Most often, those who do not have permanent friends, who do not have enough attention from others, decide on such a step. In addition, a person may suffer from shyness, isolation, awkwardness, self-doubt, and then it is not the real chosen one that matters, but marriage as such, so the first friendly acquaintance of such people may end in marriage. According to E. Fromm, in these cases, the power of infatuation, the feeling that each "goes crazy" from the other, is taken as proof of the power of love, while this is proof only of their previous loneliness. Marriage, which is based on a lack of communication and recognition, is fraught with the danger of disintegration, since family life is not limited to the exchange of signs of attention, courtesies, demonstrations of positive feelings ... human relations in marriage turn out to be richer, more complex, more multifaceted than those that saturate the first hunger for communication and the desire to get rid of loneliness.

The group of marriages concluded because of the fear of loneliness can also include marriages, which are to some extent from "revenge": marriage with a loved one is impossible for certain reasons, and a marital union is created with another contender for a hand and heart in order, firstly, to avoid loneliness, and secondly, to prove its objective attractiveness.

Often marriages, which are now much "younger", are frivolity and are associated with satisfying the need of young people for self-affirmation by raising their social status, as well as in releasing from the care of their parents, relations with which are often tense and conflicting. Very often, such marriages turn out to be short-lived, because the young spouses, having “played enough in the family”, initially not connected by special spiritual and emotional ties, decide to leave.

The number of so-called "stimulated", "forced" marriages, provoked by the bride's premarital pregnancy. It should be borne in mind that unwanted pregnancy is not only a marital problem that affects the psychological well-being of spouses and the family as a whole, it is also an acute problem of the physical and mental health of children. For example, it was found that unwanted pregnancy indirectly, through the psychological discomfort of the expectant mother, negatively affects the neuropsychic health of the child. Even if this child is born in wedlock, he is often not emotionally accepted by one or both parents, which negatively affects his development. A child should not be guilty without guilt (after all, parents are not chosen) and suffer because adults do not know how to properly build their relationships.

Premarital relations should not be viewed as a static entity. Like any interpersonal relationship, they have their own dynamics. Their formation from the first meeting to the emergence of a stable couple is a process that undergoes a number of changes in its development, goes through various stages. One of the most important features of the dynamics of premarital relations is that as relationships develop, intergroup mechanisms for understanding a partner, which give an inaccurate, stereotypical idea of him, are replaced by interpersonal mechanisms that allow understanding the other in the fullness of his individuality, originality and uniqueness. If a failure occurs in the process of this replacement, and the interpersonal mechanisms of understanding the other in a couple do not work to the extent that is required to establish and maintain deep personal relationships, then such a couple breaks up, and with it the problem of marriage, creating a family disappears.

premarital acquaintance- the process is more or less extended in time. It is possible to distinguish at least three stages of the positive development of this process. On the first possible marriage partners meet, and first impressions of each other are formed. Second the stage begins when the relationship enters a stable phase, that is, when both the partners themselves and those around them perceive them as a fairly stable couple. Relations at this stage are more or less intense and are characterized by high emotionality. Third the stage of development of relations in a premarital couple begins when the partners decide to marry and move into a new quality - brides and grooms.

As you know, premarital courtship, despite the long period of relations between partners, quite often ends with their separation. Usually, the one who hoped for the conclusion of a marriage union meets the offer of another to break with bewilderment and seeks, by all means, to keep him near him, going to all sorts of tricks and cunning, up to blackmail. However, such attempts to stay together, except for even greater alienation of the partner who wants to leave, do not lead to anything good. For the process of disintegration of premarital relationships, as well as for the process of development, a certain dynamic structure is also characteristic. The rupture of premarital relations is studied by specialists most often by analogy with divorces and violations of family relations. Both in a divorced married couple and in broken premarital relationships, the nature of the process itself is largely similar, mainly the content of the conflict, the causes of dissatisfaction, etc. are different. Therefore, models of the breakdown of family relations are also applicable to the process of destruction of premarital couples.

The breakup of any relationship is not a single event, but a process that continues over time and has many facets. Initially, it was suggested that this process reverses the stages of a positive development of relationships, but later scientists had to abandon it, since it was not confirmed in the studies. One of these is the research of the British psychologist S. Duck, who proposed his concept of the breakdown of relationships in a love (premarital and family) couple. He singled out four phases of destruction relationships between partners. On the first, the so-called intrapsychic phase, one or both partners come to the realization of dissatisfaction with the relationship. On the second, dyadic, phase, a discussion begins with the partner on the possible termination of the relationship. During third, social, phase, information about the breakdown of relationships is brought to the close social environment (friends, relatives, mutual acquaintances, etc.). Final the phase includes awareness, experiencing the consequences of the gap and overcoming them.

At the same time, it should be borne in mind that not in all pairs the discontinuity passes through each of these phases. In addition, the duration of each stage, as well as its significance for partners, can be different. Empirical evidence suggests that they differ at least two types of relationship breakdown: their gradual extinction and a sharp break in all contacts between partners.

Psychological features premarital relations

The formation of a full-fledged family is a rather complicated process, and it is unlikely that there will be a marriage that would not experience a crisis in the first years of its existence. Perhaps the most difficult moment in establishing family life is the psychological adaptation of the spouses to the conditions of living together and each other's individual and personal characteristics, the formation of intra-family relations, the convergence of habits, ideas, values of young spouses and other family members. Depending on how the "grinding in" of two personalities goes on initial stage marriage, depends largely on the viability of the family. From two, often very different halves, it is necessary to create a whole, not to lose yourself and at the same time not to destroy the inner world of the other. The philosopher I. Kant argued that a married couple should form, as it were, a single moral personality. It is very difficult to achieve such a union, since this process is associated with many difficulties beyond the control of a person. The most serious mistakes are made by young people even before marriage, during the period of courtship. As psychologists note, many young people make the decision to marry thoughtlessly, highlighting in the future spouse those character traits and personality traits that play an insignificant, secondary, and sometimes negative role in family life.

Therefore, the first problems of a young family begin with the problems of choosing a future spouse. According to psychologists' research, one of the most common reasons for the breakdown of relations between young spouses is disappointment in the marriage partner, since during the period of premarital communication, he could not (did not want, did not bother) to get as much information as possible about the future life partner. Approximately two-thirds of future spouses meet by chance during leisure activities, sometimes just on the street. However, they usually do not know anything about each other.

Traditional forms of premarital communication are most often also associated with leisure activities. In these situations, partners usually see each other's "front", "exit" face: smart clothes, neat appearance, neat cosmetics, etc., which can hide external and characterological flaws. Even if partners spend not only their free time together, but also study or work together, they cannot get enough information about personality traits, role expectations, ideas and attitudes of each other necessary for living together, since these activities are not related to family roles.

In addition, at the first stages of acquaintance, people generally, consciously or unconsciously, try to seem better than they really are, mask their shortcomings and exaggerate their merits. The situation of premarital cohabitation also does not allow one to get to know each other sufficiently, since in it the partners act in such roles that differ significantly from legal family ties. In trial marriages, the level of mutual responsibility is lower, parental functions are most often absent, household and budget can be only partially shared, etc.

The idea of the personal characteristics of a future life partner among young people often diverges from the qualities that are traditionally valued by communication partners. As the psychologist V. Zatsepin established, girls sympathize with young men who are energetic, cheerful, handsome, tall, who can dance, and they imagine their future spouse, first of all, as hardworking, honest, fair, smart, caring, able to control himself. Beautiful, cheerful, dancing-loving and humorous girls are popular among young men, and the future spouse should be, first of all, honest, fair, cheerful, hardworking, etc. Thus, young people understand that a marriage partner must have many qualities that are not mandatory for a communication partner. However, in reality, external data and currently significant personal qualities that bring satisfaction in everyday communication (“an interesting interlocutor”, “the soul of the company”, “handsome, it’s nice to appear in public together”, etc.) often become the criteria for mutual assessments. . With such a discrepancy, family values are replaced by premarital ones.

Attachments and feelings arising in the process of leisure communication create such an emotional image of a partner, when some of his realities are simply not noticed. In marriage, the emotional veil is gradually removed, the negative characteristics of the partner begin to fall into the center of attention, i.e. a realistic image is built, as a result of which disappointment or conflict may arise.

Sometimes there is simply not enough time to get to know a partner if the decision to marry is taken too hastily.

Quite often, the inaccuracy of mutual recognition, idealization of each other can be due to the existence of evaluative stereotypes in the minds of people (for example, physiognomic delusions; everyday generalizations related to profession, nationality, gender, social status, etc.). Such stereotypes lead to attributing missing traits to each other or projecting traits of one's ideal or one's own positive characteristics onto a partner.

Idealization is often facilitated by the “halo effect” known in social psychology: a general favorable impression of a person, for example, based on his external data, leads to positive assessments of qualities that are not yet known, while shortcomings are not noticed or smoothed out. As a result of idealization, a purely positive image of a partner is created, but in marriage the “masks” fall off very quickly, premarital ideas about each other are refuted, fundamental disagreements emerge, and either disappointment sets in, or violent love turns into a more moderate emotional relationship.

¾ "mutual acting": partners play romantic roles in accordance with the expectations of each other, friends and relatives, and in order not to deceive these expectations, they can no longer get out of the accepted roles;

¾ "community of interests": the same hobbies are taken for the kinship of souls;

¾ “wounded pride”: someone does not notice or rejects, and there is a need to win, to break resistance;

¾ “inferiority” trap: a person who was not successful suddenly becomes an object of courtship and love;

¾ "intimate luck": satisfaction with sexual relations obscures everything else;

¾ “mutual availability”: quick and easy rapprochement creates the illusion of complete compatibility and cloudless life on the marriage horizon;

¾ “pity” trap: marriage out of a sense of duty, a sense of the need to patronize;

¾ “decency” trap: a long period of acquaintance, intimate relationships, obligations to relatives or to each other morally force marriage;

¾ trap "benefit" or "shelter": in its purest form - this is "marriages of convenience." Often the conclusion of a marital union is beneficial for one or both partners. Then, under the “sign” of love, mercantile and economic interests are hidden, according to some data, for women this is mainly the material security of the future husband, for men - an interest in the living space of the wife (apparently, this is due to the fact that men migrate more often, and after divorces end up in worse housing conditions).

"Traps" can lead to both love and a successful marriage, subject to overcoming selfishness, awareness of the motives for marriage and one's possible guilt.

Often the motivation for marriage is imitation and conformity (“to be like everyone else”). Such marital unions are sometimes referred to as "stereotype marriages".

The fear of loneliness can also push a person to enter into marriage. Most often, those who do not have permanent friends, who do not have enough attention from others, decide on such a step. In addition, a person may suffer from shyness, isolation, awkwardness, self-doubt, and then it is not the real chosen one that matters, but marriage as such, so the first friendly acquaintance of such people may end in marriage. According to E. Fromm, in these cases, the power of infatuation, the feeling that each "goes crazy" from the other, is taken as proof of the power of love, while this is proof only of their previous loneliness. Marriage, which is based on a lack of communication and recognition, is fraught with the danger of disintegration, since family life is not limited to the exchange of signs of attention, courtesies, demonstrations of positive feelings ... Human relationships in marriage turn out to be richer, more complex, more multifaceted than those that saturate the first hunger of communication and the desire to get rid of loneliness.

The group of marriages entered into because of the fear of loneliness can also include marriages that are concluded to some extent out of “revenge”: marriage with a loved one is impossible for certain reasons, and a marital union is created with another contender for a hand and heart in order to , firstly, to avoid loneliness, and secondly, to prove their objective attractiveness.

Quite often, marriages that are now very “younger” are entered into out of frivolity and are associated with satisfying the need of young people for self-assertion by raising their social status, as well as for liberation from the custody of parents, relations with which are often tense and conflicting. Very often, such marriages turn out to be short-lived, because the young spouses, having “played enough in the family”, initially not connected by special spiritual and emotional ties, decide to leave.

The number of so-called "stimulated", "forced" marriages, provoked by the bride's premarital pregnancy, has also increased. It should be borne in mind that unwanted pregnancy is not only a marital problem that affects the psychological well-being of spouses and the family as a whole, it is also an acute problem of the physical and mental health of children. For example, it was found that unwanted pregnancy indirectly, through the psychological discomfort of the expectant mother, negatively affects the neuropsychic health of the child. Even if this child is born in wedlock, he is often not emotionally accepted by one or both parents, which negatively affects his development. A child should not be guilty without guilt (after all, parents are not chosen) and suffer because adults do not know how to properly build their relationships.

Premarital relations should not be viewed as a static entity. Like any interpersonal relationship, they have their own dynamics. Their formation from the first meeting to the emergence of a stable couple is a process that undergoes a number of changes in its development, goes through various stages. One of the most important features of the dynamics of premarital relations is that as relationships develop, intergroup mechanisms for understanding a partner, which give an inaccurate, stereotypical idea of him, are replaced by interpersonal mechanisms that allow understanding the other in the fullness of his individuality, originality and uniqueness. If a failure occurs in the process of this replacement, and the interpersonal mechanisms of understanding the other in a couple do not work to the extent that is required to establish and maintain deep personal relationships, then such a couple breaks up, and at the same time the problem of marriage, creating a family disappears.

Premarital acquaintance is a more or less time-consuming process. There are at least three stages in the positive development of this process. At the first, a meeting of possible marriage partners takes place, and first impressions of each other are formed. The second stage begins when the relationship enters a stable phase, that is, when both the partners themselves and those around them perceive them as a fairly stable couple. Relations at this stage are more or less intense and are characterized by high emotionality. The third stage in the development of relations in a premarital couple begins when the partners decide to marry and move into a new quality - brides and grooms.

As you know, premarital courtship, despite the long period of relations between partners, quite often ends with their separation. Usually, the one who hoped for the conclusion of a marriage union meets the offer of another to break with bewilderment and seeks, by all means, to keep him near him, going to all sorts of tricks and cunning, up to blackmail. However, such attempts to stay together, except for even greater alienation of the partner who wants to leave, do not lead to anything good. For the process of disintegration of premarital relations, as well as for the process of development, a certain dynamic structure is also characteristic. The rupture of premarital relations is studied by specialists most often by analogy with divorces and violations of family relations. Both in a divorced married couple and in broken premarital relationships, the nature of the process itself is largely similar, mainly the content of the conflict, the causes of dissatisfaction, etc. are different. Therefore, models of the breakdown of family relations are also applicable to the process of destruction of premarital couples.

The breakup of any relationship is not a single event, but a process that continues over time and has many facets. Initially, it was suggested that this process reverses the stages of a positive development of relationships, but later scientists had to abandon it, since it was not confirmed in the studies. One of these is the research of the British psychologist S. Duck, who proposed his concept of the breakdown of relationships in a love (premarital and family) couple. He identified four phases of the destruction of relationships between partners. On first. the so-called intrapsychic phase. one or both partners come to the realization of dissatisfaction with the relationship. In the second, dyadic, phase, a discussion begins with the partner about the possible termination of the relationship. During the third, social, phase, information about the breakdown of relationships is brought to the close social environment (friends, relatives, mutual acquaintances, etc.). The final phase includes awareness, experiencing the consequences of the gap and overcoming them.

At the same time, it should be borne in mind that not in all pairs the discontinuity passes through each of these phases. In addition, the duration of each stage, as well as its significance for partners, can be different. Empirical evidence suggests that there are at least two types of disintegration of relationships: their gradual fading away and a sharp break in all contacts between partners.

More information

1. Period of premarital courtship

The period of premarital courtship is the most difficult psychologically and pedagogically of all stages of married life. Therefore, the problem of the role of premarital relations and their influence on the formation of a future family remains one of the most urgent ones facing society. The problem of premarital relations is currently considered the most acute, and its unresolved is a brake on further improvement in the preparation of boys and girls for family life.

A stereotype has developed in scientific and popular science literature: a loud statement about the mass character and prevalence of marriage for love, according to which young men and women identify marriage exclusively with love. However, in pedagogical and sociological studies it is noted that, despite the predominance of "love" motivation when entering into marriage, the second place behind it is steadily occupied by "common interests and views." Among those who entered into a marital union for love and community of views, maximum amount Satisfied and least dissatisfied.

A study of scientists showed the non-identity of young people's love marital orientations. According to T.V. Lisovsky, among the vital plans of young people in 72.9 percent of the answers came out "to meet a loved one (s)" and only 38.9 percent - "to create a family". Thus, boys and girls consider love relationships to be valuable in themselves, but not in every love portrait they see a future life partner. This point of view was also confirmed in the studies of S.I. Hunger. He found that among the possible motives for intimate premarital relationships, “love” motivation prevails over “marriage”: for both men and women, mutual love came first, and having a good time came second. For women, orientation towards marriage is in third place, and for men, orientation towards marriage is in sixth place.

Interesting data were obtained in the analysis of the relationship between the motives for marriage and the factors that hold it together. It turned out that marriage based on love is considered the main habit of spouses to each other, spiritual community, duty and sexual consonance.

Thus, the main motive for creating a family corresponds to four types of adaptive relationships: psychological (habit), moral (duty), spiritual (community) and sexual.

From the point of view of I.S. Kohn, the nature of love feelings and attachments of a person depends on its general communicative qualities. On the one hand, love is a need and a thirst for possession; this passionate feeling corresponds to what the ancient Greeks called "eros". On the other hand, love is the need for selfless self-giving, for the dissolution of the lover, for caring for the beloved; this kind of love is called agape. The relationship between boys and girls confronts them with many moral problems, starting with the ritual of courtship and declaration of love and ending with the problems of moral self-discipline and responsibility.

The period of premarital courtship is the most difficult in psychological and pedagogical terms of all stages of married life. The complexity is determined by two reasons: premarital courtship is the least studied area of family psychology; the impatience of love characteristic of girls and boys, the hypertrophy of the role of this feeling in marriage leads to the fact that young people do not perceive premarital courtship as one of the most important moments determining the subsequent well-being of a family union.

There are three most important functions of this period, which respectively reflect the three main and chronologically relatively sequential stages of the beginning of family life: 1) function - the accumulation of joint impressions and experiences; 2) function - ever deeper recognition of each other and parallel refinement and verification decision; 3) the function corresponding to the last stage of premarital acquaintance is the design of family life: a moment that is either not considered at all by future spouses, or is realized by them from a very inaccurate and usually unrealistic position.

Function - the accumulation of joint experiences and impressions is usually overestimated by young men and women, it is at this stage that an emotional peculiar potential of subsequent family life, a reserve of feelings, is created. The ability to refresh one's feelings by referring to the romantic time of premarital courtship, to return youthful passion for each other in any of the periods of marriage is one of the most important conditions for family life. This is possible if the joint experiences and impressions are large enough and joyful.

Function - recognition of each other - the basis of the correct decision. Young people must understand that the "re-education" of spouses is impossible, since this change is possible through conscious self-education. During recognition, the main thing is the implementation of a long-term experiment - active planning of conditions and circumstances in which the qualities necessary for subsequent family life are manifested: complaisance, willingness to cooperate and compromise, complementarity, tolerance, restraint, and the ability to self-educate. At the stage of recognition, it is desirable to get to know each other at home - visits to each other's families that are not binding on marriage, allowing you to see your chosen one in an environment close to family, and to understand what are familiar to him and perceived by him as natural features of the family way of life and everyday life will be acceptable to you in your family life. Difficulties experienced together also play a significant role in getting to know each other, which make it possible to identify the ability of a possible chosen one to overcome obstacles in marriage.

The function and third stage of premarital courtship is the design of family life. The main thing is the definition and coordination of the way of the future family. The most progressive and most appropriate to modern conditions is: an egalitarian family, assuming complete and genuine equality of husband and wife. This type of family involves: a thorough and scrupulous description of the rights and obligations of the spouses; high culture communication, respect for the personality of another, mutual awareness and trust in relationships.

E. Fromm emphasized: “Love is possible only when two people are connected, based on the core of their existence, i.e. when each of them perceives himself, proceeding from the core of his existence, in it is the basis of love. Love is a constant challenge. Love is unity, subject to the preservation of one's own integrity, individuality.

K.G. Jung in the article "Marriage as a psychological relationship" writes that a young person is given the opportunity of an incomplete understanding of both others and himself, so he cannot be satisfactorily aware of the motives of other people, including his own. In most cases, he acts under the influence of unconscious motives. For example, motives caused by parental influence. In this sense, for a young man, the relationship to his mother is decisive, and for a girl, to her father. First of all, this is the degree of connection with parents, which unconsciously influences the choice of a spouse, encouraging or hindering it. According to K.G. Jung, the instinctive choice is the best in terms of maintaining the family, but he notes that from a psychological point of view, such a marriage is not always happy, since there is a big difference between instincts and an individually developed personality.

3. Freud considers love to be sexual desire, he is forced to assume contradictions between love and social cohesion. In his opinion, love is essentially egocentric and antisocial, and solidarity and brotherly love are not primary feelings rooted in human nature, but abstract goals, inhibited sexual desires. In his opinion, the instincts of every person make everyone strive for the preemptive right in sexual relations and cause enmity between people. The whole Freudian theory of sex is built on the anthropological premise, according to which rivalry and mutual enmity are inherent in human nature.

K. Horney believed that the frustration of the need for love makes this need not saturated, and the exactingness and jealousy arising from insatiability make it less and less likely that a person will find a friend. Part of the "Neurotic Personality" K. Horney devoted to the analysis of the neurotic need for love, she dwells on the desire for power, prestige and possession, which develop when a person despairs of achieving love.

Robert Sternberg's three-component theory of love demonstrates how difficult it is to achieve success in close relationships, defined as love. Stenberg believes that love has three components. The first is intimacy, the feeling of intimacy that manifests itself in love relationships; passion; decision (commitment). The connection of the “decision, obligation” component with the other two components of love can have a different character. To show possible combinations. Sternberg developed a system of love relationships: a taxonomy of types of love based on Sternberg's three component theory.

The psychological task of the premarital period, which every young person solves, is the need to actually separate himself from the parental family and at the same time continue to remain connected with it. In the psychology of family relations, it is customary to single out premarital and premarital periods. The features of the premarital period include the entire life scenario of a person from birth to marriage, the premarital period includes interaction with a marriage partner before marriage. In the premarital period, premarital acquaintance and premarital courtship are distinguished, premarital acquaintance takes place in an environment remote from reality: in places of leisure, recreation. Most of these situations are accompanied by a "halo effect". In such cases, there is a communication of "masks". Acquaintance before marriage differs not only in character, but also in duration. Researchers have identified how the time of premarital acquaintance affects the preservation of marital relationships.

Functions of the premarital period: accumulation of joint experiences and impressions; recognition of each other, clarification and verification of the decision.

Such a check is informative if it affects domestic situations, situations of experiencing joint difficulties and situations of joining forces. It's about about premarital "experimentation", during which the functional-role correspondence of partners is checked.

Historically, the place for such an experiment in premarital relations has been clearly assigned, it is known as an engagement. At present, premarital cohabitation, which is not informative enough, has come to his place. Young people unconsciously test their sexual scripts. However, sexual compatibility is not tested, but formed.

Psychological conditions for optimizing the premarital period include: reflection of motives, attitudes and feelings, both one's own and the partner's; replacing the emotional image of the chosen one with a realistic one; the implementation of premarital information exchange, which involves finding out the details of the biography and informing about personal, past life, health status, fertility, value orientations and life plans, ideas about marriage and role expectations. During the informational premarital period, detailed psychological portraits young people, features of parental families (composition, structure, nature of the relationship between parents, child-parent family). The nature of premarital relations is transferred to family life.

The study of premarital relationships served as the basis for the allocation of premarital risk factors. These include: the early age of the couple (in Russia, this age is tacitly considered for men - up to 20 years, for women - up to 18 years); late age (for the West, this age is: for men - 40-45 years, for women - 30-35 years; for Russia: for men - 30-32 years, for women - 25-27 years); exceeding the age of the wife relative to the age of the husband; the wife's higher education; urban origin; status heterogeneity; socio-demographic difference in origin; the absence of brothers and sisters from the wife, husband; instability of relationships before marriage; negative attitude of parents towards marriage; too short or too long a period of acquaintance; suboptimal motives for marriage; premarital pregnancy; the presence of friends of the opposite sex in one of the future spouses.

Positive factors, the influence of which increases the likelihood of successful and harmonious relationships in marriage: higher education for a man; optimal duration of premarital relations (from 1 to 3 years); "warm" relationship before marriage; similar character traits (except for dominance and rivalry); the presence of role expectations and their coincidence and consistency; the presence of mutual friends of the future married couple; consent of parents to marriage and their positive assessment of the emerging union.

A big role in maintaining favorable family relationships is the choice of a life partner. Choosing a marriage partner is a complex issue. Freud was one of the first to think about the reasons why people get married. Put forward the assumption that children have for parents of the opposite sex. Through a complex unconscious process, they can transfer the love they feel for this parent to other socially approved objects - their potential spouses.

Winch's theory of complementary needs is based on the opposite of attraction. This means that a dominant man may be attracted to a meek woman, while a calm and gentle man may be attracted to an energetic and direct woman.

Senters' instrumental theory of matchmaking prioritizes the satisfaction of needs, arguing that some needs are more important than others, and that some needs are more male than female, and vice versa, according to Senters, a person is attracted to someone whose needs are similar. to his needs or complement them.

According to Adams, relationships are strengthened by the reactions of others, the status of a couple, the feeling of comfort and calm in each other's presence, and other similar facts. Then the couple enters a stage of mutual commitment and intimacy, which further attracts partners to each other. The members of a couple who have made mutual commitments learn each other's views and values. At this stage, the couple is ready to make the decision to marry. Based on the theoretical foundations of the problem of the role of premarital relations, we can conclude that domestic and foreign psychologists agree that the family is built on mutual support, love, and a sense of responsibility for the life of a loved one.

Premarital relationships are the most difficult stage of married life. Nowadays, young people do not perceive premarital courtship as crucial point life, because it is decisive, predetermining the further well-being of the family union. Even before marriage, young men and women need to pay attention to the emerging and predominant style of relationships and communication, to the mutual ability of the members of the future couple to predominate conflicts, to the developing relationships with the relatives of the other, to the level of understanding of each other (this essential condition family happiness), on the emerging leadership in the family (to what extent it can be acceptable for both).

The relationship between lovers and even between the bride and groom differs between the relationship between husband and wife, which implies the obligation to fulfill family functions. And many young people, realizing the importance of these functions, began to turn to the premarital experiment - modeling family relationships. Premarital courtship is difficult to model. Young people should learn to predict future family life, young people who are going to get married should formulate ideas about the period preceding marriage - about the personal meaning of the wedding celebration.

2. Premarital relations in Orthodox life

Gone are the days when the bride and groom only recognized each other at the wedding. Very often, intimate relationships begin before the official registration of the marital union. And many are not even aware of the negative consequences of such a rush in premarital communication.

From a church point of view, a guy and a girl are not forbidden to communicate with each other. On the contrary, many priests recommend that young people not rush into the wedding and meet for a while in order to learn at least a little about the character and mores of their future spouse or wife. But the Church always reminds us that it is necessary to observe the purity of relations. Back in the 4th century, Saint John Chrysostom said that virginity and abstinence are not obligatory for everyone, but chastity is obligatory for everyone.

“Highly appreciating the feat of voluntary chaste celibacy, accepted for the sake of Christ and the Gospel, and recognizing the special role of monasticism in its history and modern life, the Church has never treated marriage with disdain and condemned those who, out of a falsely understood desire for purity, despised marital relations,” – says in the "Fundamentals of the Social Concept of the ROC". In the same document we read: “The characteristics of the sexes are not reduced to differences in bodily structure. Man and woman are two different ways of being in one humanity. They need communication and mutual replenishment. However, in a fallen world, gender relations can be perverted, ceasing to be an expression of God-given love and degenerating into a manifestation of a fallen person’s sinful predilection for his “I”. The Church has always been for abstaining from premarital relationships. She believed and still believes that physical intimacy is possible only in marriage, and outside of it, intimate relationships are considered a sin of fornication.

Psychologists have noticed that the fair sex first has a spiritual need for mutual love, and not a desire for sexual relations. Therefore, the girl enters into her first sexual contact, as a rule, with someone she really likes. Everyone usually judges others by themselves, and many girls are sure that a guy experiences similar (her girlish) feelings. But in young men, the process of puberty and the emergence of sexual desires are ahead of the stage of spiritual need for love. A guy can have sexual intercourse with a woman who is disgusting to him as a person. As a result, a young man's sexual relations may not be combined with falling in love, and often he assumes that the girl also has sexual contact only because she is attracted to him. But later disappointment sets in… The girl thinks: “He, the scoundrel, deceived me and left me,” and the young man is sincerely indignant: “I didn’t promise her anything. We were just having sex."

During sexual intercourse, there is always a risk of unwanted pregnancy, because there is no such contraceptive that would protect 100%. It often happens that when a girl becomes pregnant, not wanting it, she remains abandoned by the guy. And, in order to hide her pregnancy or simply because of her unwillingness to become a mother, she agrees to an abortion. If the attitudes of young people were always based on the principles of chastity, then there would be much less murders of unborn children.

Physical intimacy before marriage can also lead to the loss of love itself. If a guy and a girl do not remain chaste, then they will no longer be interested in each other's inner world, and feelings, will and mind will change and will be directed to bodily pleasures. Here one cannot fail to recall the words of Metropolitan Anthony of Sourozh: “We must remember, we must firmly know that the bodily unity of two people who love each other is not the beginning, but the fullness and limit of their mutual relationship, that only when two people become one in heart, mind, spirit , their unity can grow, reveal itself in bodily union, which then becomes no longer a greedy possession of one another, not a passive giving of one to another, but a sacrament, a real sacrament, i.e. such an action that comes directly from God and leads to Him.

The number of divorces would also be reduced, because, as experience shows, premarital sexual relations do not contribute to the formation of a strong family. Imagine what it would be like for a husband or wife if it became known that one of the spouses had been promiscuous before marriage. sexual life. Even if it is carefully hidden, the soul will still bear the imprint of sin.

Many people, unfortunately, believe that intimate relationships can be allowed already when both parties have agreed on marriage and a wedding day has been set. But it may happen that the bride and groom part just before the wedding. But the point is not even that the wedding may not take place. The Church recognizes marriage as a Sacrament. Therefore, young people who are sure that they will get married anyway, you still need to wait until the Sacrament is performed. Let's take a simple example. A young man who has entered the Theological Seminary will not be entrusted immediately, in the 1st year, to serve as a priest (baptize, confess), just because in the future he must become a priest. In general, not all graduates of Theological Schools become pastors of the Church. In order to serve as a priest, a seminarian must first receive grace in the sacrament of the Priesthood. After all, none of the normal Christians would dare to serve the liturgy without being a priest at the same time. Let us take another example: with the sacrament of Baptism. As you know, the unbaptized cannot partake of the Holy Mysteries of Christ. Even 1 minute before his Baptism - until this Sacrament itself has taken place - a person cannot receive communion. But immediately after Baptism, he already becomes a member of the Church, and therefore boldly approaches the Holy Body and Blood of Christ. The situation is similar with the sacrament of Marriage.

If a young man falls deeply in love with a girl and she reciprocates, if they are firmly convinced that they will become good life partners for each other, then they can only wait and pray. And don't hope that sex life before marriage can help strengthen relationships, because sex cannot be a solid foundation for a family hearth.

The question of sexual incompatibility is very relevant for many now, and many couples want to check before marriage whether they are suitable for each other for intimate relationships in order to know if they should start a family. But what causes this problem and why does it exist? When a young husband comes home from work in the evening, lie down on the sofa and watch TV, while his wife cooks dinner, washes dishes, does laundry, helps the children do their homework, and in the evening the “head of the family” demands that his wife fulfill marital debt, then in this case, of course, incompatibility may arise, and not only sexual.

Now we are being told that abstinence from sexual life is very harmful and even dangerous for the psyche, based on the theory of Sigmund Freud. According to his concept, the human soul consists of 3 states: unconscious, conscious and conscience. Our unconscious part of the psyche is saturated with sexual energy "libido". If this energy does not find a way out, then a person may experience neuroses, tantrums, melancholy, etc. All this happens because unsatisfied desires accumulate in the subconscious, which can cause serious problems. But do not forget that a person also has willpower, with the help of which he can control both his behavior and his desires.

If during fasting you go shopping, smell delicious smells and constantly think about non-lean food, then you can easily get a stomach ulcer. In this case, the fast established by the Church cannot be blamed for illness - the ulcer was formed due to the wrong behavior of a person. The same is true with sexual relations. The Holy Fathers teach to fight one's vicious desires as soon as they arise, without waiting for passion to take possession of a person. You also need to be careful not to find yourself in a situation where desires can be particularly intensified. You should not allow yourself free treatment of persons of the opposite sex, and then self-control will be tighter, and unsatisfied desires will not accumulate in the subconscious.

Considering the topic of premarital relations, we see that they are unacceptable in any cases. In order for a guy and a girl who decide to start a family not to sin, they must try their best to avoid any situations that provoke intimacy. Saint John Chrysostom says that wedding crowns are symbols of victory over pleasure. And the winner in the sacrament of Marriage will be abundantly received by God's grace.

3. Premarital love between the bride and groom

Christian understanding of premarital love

Grooming is not some kind of premarital state in which sexual relations are prematurely entered into. This is the era of the maturation of all the conditions that are necessary to create a solid, genuine, fruitful and happy love. This time should not be frittered away in more or less fleeting consolations. It is necessary to make an effort to understand everything that concerns love, to strengthen the will in order to be able to put the scale of values in order and choose the highest; adjust your sensitivity; develop noble feelings, show loyalty.

Reason must serve man for something more valuable than perfecting the technique of obtaining pleasure. He must help discover that true love involves a high degree of unity, which is a meeting, and that it has different degrees of perfection.

The will must be strengthened until it is able to choose at the moment that value that is our ideal for the day, and also to create strong alliances and remain faithful to them.

Human sensitivity must develop until it can in a special way perceive the highest feelings - those that arise from contact with the valuable. The satisfaction of instinct produces a feeling of pleasure; this feeling excites my spirit in proportion to its intensity. Sharing an aesthetic feeling with a friend causes not only pleasure, but also joy. This form of joy transcends the mere pleasure produced by pleasant sounds or the brightness of colors. It represents the spiritual upheaval that occurs when we open ourselves together to a perfecting reality. It takes time and diligence to learn to appreciate cordiality, touchingness, simplicity. Modern conditions force us to value aggressiveness, violence, arrogance, and dominance. To resist apathy towards values, it is necessary to develop a sense of enthusiasm and creative activity.

To develop sensitivity, will and reason is the main goal that the bride and groom must invariably pursue. The development of their creative abilities depends on this. Married life is impossible without creativity, so the decline of creativity means the collapse of married life. Today we are sad to see how many young people reject marriage as a form of life as a matter of principle. We can advise them that they adhere to established norms, be faithful to family customs, and do not contradict religious precepts. But it will be in vain if young people build their lives, focusing on pleasant phenomena that are alien to creativity.

Something similar can be said about premarital relationships. If a boy or girl believes that married life consists in getting pleasures - first of all, sexual ones - they will try to get them in advance, during the grooming, not even realizing that this is a period of preparation, during which they must solve large and important tasks for in order to give the love-sexual relationship their true meaning in due time.

Bodily intimacy should be an expression of personal intimacy

At a colloquium devoted to the topic of premarital relationships, one young man asked: "To what extent is it permissible to go in a love relationship?" The speakers were confused by this question and failed to give a clear answer, apparently in order not to compromise themselves. If I were to take part in this roundtable, I would answer that the most important thing is not how far you can go, but what you need to start from. If you proceed from a position of domination, accepting another person as a means of satisfying erotic desire and giving yourself selfish pleasure, then you are mistaken from the very beginning. Your relationship with this person is fundamentally flawed. If your goal is to love another person, and not just to have fun, then you should think that there are two rhythms in the process of establishing an intimate relationship with another person. To bodily intimacy come in a rhythm that lends itself to acceleration. Personal intimacy is achieved only when one follows the slower rhythm of the maturation processes, which cannot be accelerated voluntarily. Hours can be made in an evening, or in an hour. Everything depends on the rhythm given to the production process. A grain of wheat cannot ripen in an evening, or in a day, or in a few weeks. The rhythm of its maturation cannot be changed with impunity. Moreover, the rhythm of achieving spiritual intimacy cannot be arbitrarily accelerated. However, if the rhythm of achieving bodily intimacy is accelerated, this will cause discord in a person's life, regardless of what the moral character of the people involved in this is.

Very often, relationships between young people fail from the very beginning because of this discord. It is quite understandable that those who establish a premature "intimate" bodily relationship, confidently claim that they have an "intimate" relationship with a loved one. However, they are victims of a mirage, considering erotic passion a true form of personal love. It turns out to be very easy to confuse our interest in the satisfaction of instinct with true love for a person. The one who seeks to satisfy the instinctive impulse considers the other person as a means to his own ends. The one who loves a person as such evaluates his qualities very positively, but his love is above them and remains true in any conditions: in health and in illness, in joy and in sorrow, in moments of admiration for his attractiveness and in difficult moments when he notices shortcomings and failures.

Qualities of true love

When love is directed towards the individual, it is directed along the path in which the virtues flourish. Therefore, one who loves in this way discovers very fruitful qualities, among which the following can be distinguished:

He believes that a loved one for him is something unique in the world, irreplaceable and unique.

One who evaluates a beloved being in this way acts in confidence. When love is mercenary, there is a fear that to surrender means an abyss. Generosity frees us from this fear and allows us to give ourselves without looking back, hoping more for the possibility of meeting than fearing the risk of betrayal by a loved one.

Such a liberated person opens up to you calmly, without any irritation.

Thanks to such openness, a person who calmly opens up to you is sincere and truthful.

Truthfulness makes him a realist, able to recognize his need for improvement, the need, achieving higher forms, in self-realization.

The clarity of thought allows him to notice that love develops in a slow rhythm of maturation, and this rhythm is different for each person.

Recognition of this difference makes the beloved person respectful, allows him to be what he is and is called to be.

Respect turns into patience, tact, prudence, appropriateness. Tolerance does not mean to endure everything. To withstand is characteristic of walls or columns. Man was created not to endure, but to be creative. Patience means adjusting to the rhythm inherent in each being in order to create a fruitful environment of coexistence.

The fruitfulness of love is proved by its social significance, the qualitative growth of the unity of the spouses, as well as the unity between them and their environment, the ability to give life to new beings.

Such a high quality of unity does not give room for resentment and increases gratitude. One who is closely connected with another person is not weighed down by the high values that the other person possesses. On the contrary, he is grateful to them, because he enriches himself with them.

He who is grateful to another does not compete with him, but enters into a healthy competition.

These conditions lead to the fact that love causes a state of serene calmness in the beloved being. The one who truly loves does not feel the need to be on guard, he knows that in the playing field created by two, everything moves easily from one to the other, because the barriers between "mine" and "you" have been overcome.

Such intense communication stimulates lovers, for it is a source of energy and light.

Barrier-free communication involves a deep personal compromise, the interweaving of two life fields.

This interweaving cannot be fleeting; it is outside of time and space. Marcel correctly said that true love is unconditional and transcends the passage of time. Eternity does not mean mere duration. It means that there is a constant creation of what the two once promised to create: a unity of a very high level. This creativity there is fidelity, which, as is clearly seen, has an infinitely higher meaning than mere restraint.

A high level of love turns it into a great good, and every good spreads by itself, like light. Love has a diffuse, expansive and communicative character. It takes other people into itself and makes it possible for them to live in love.

Penetration and patronage often require sacrifice. The one who truly loves is able to selflessly accept everything that contributes to the strengthening of love.

These and other qualities are inherent in true love. The task of lovers should be to give these qualities and due importance to their budding love. But how can they know that they are on the right path to acquire them? Quite simply, if they direct the initial affect towards the personality of the other, and not towards the benefit they can derive from friendship.

premarital courtship psychological family

Bibliography

1. Kovalev SV. Psychology modern family. - Enlightenment, M., 1988.

2. Kon I.S. Psychology of a high school student. - Enlightenment, M, 1980.

3. Craig G. Psychology of development. Peter, St. Petersburg, 2000.

4. Freud 3. Beyond principle and pleasure. - FOLIO, ACT, Kharkov, M., 2001.

5. Fromm E. Man and woman. - ACT, M., 1998.

6. Horney Karen. neurosis and personal growth. - St. Petersburg, 1997.

7. Reader on ethics and psychology of family life. Comp. Grebennikov I.V., Kovinkov L.V., Education, M., 1986.

8. Shneider A.B. Psychology of family relations. - EKSMO - Press, M., 2000.

Tutoring

Need help learning a topic?

Our experts will advise or provide tutoring services on topics of interest to you.
Submit an application indicating the topic right now to find out about the possibility of obtaining a consultation.

Women's Portal Flero

Young family Psychological features of premarital relations

Tutoring

RELATED ARTICLES