And I’ll try, after reading Belyanin, to predict the plot of the book from just one annotation before I actually buy it.
So, from Nurberg comes the arrest warrant for Yaga, responsible for the death of Prince Johan. Peas are raging, but under pressure from the public and his wife, he will be forced to order the task force to “arrest” Yaga and deliver him to Europe. There will be a lot of indignation on the topic “is it possible to punish a Russian person for the fact that he once killed a foreigner, monsters”, but the group will still get ready to go. Alena and the clerk Filimon, possibly Knut, possibly Shmulenson, will join Nikita, Yaga and Mitya. Along the way, there will be a traditional meeting with robbers, if already in Europe, then perhaps with cultural robbers. The task force will try to kill Kashchei, get hit in the teeth, back down. And if he finds out that his worst enemies are going to Europe, he will take pity on them and will chat something about how he once went there and felt bad for him.
Upon arrival, Yaga will be arrested, pathetically they will say that she will be judged by the main and most fair court. Nikita will climb to stir up the case, sort out the evidence, and eventually find out that the prince was that other bastard, and his own, also bastards, killed him, and hung the case on Yaga, because then they were in conflict with her, she conjured someone, it is necessary to take revenge.
What kind of people will they be ... I don’t know what Belyanin will come up with, but taking into account the fact that he needs to become the thousandth author, joyfully screaming about how refugees will make Europe Muslim in five years, they will be werewolves. And what, brutal hairy men, who are also people, suffer, they need to be pitied and helped, and that they start eating everyone on the full moon, so this is nature, we must endure and be tolerant. Of course, werewolves are really critters and eat little girls for breakfast. Somewhere in this area there will be allusions to Little Red Riding Hood.
Then there will be a lot of travel and running back and forth, galloping across Europe. Alex Borr will arise and will either be involved in all this, or, more likely, oppose werewolves in order to purge Germany and Europe of all not-so, leaving only true Aryans. It is possible that some kind of Weselvul cult will appear - official and respected, and wishing to take revenge on the heroes for the humiliation of their idol. Maybe the Lord of the Flies himself will look into the light. They want to execute Yaga, they will release her so that no one will understand, a crowd of werewolves will block the way for the heroes, however, with the help of the author’s prod ... uh, that is, valiant luck and arrogance, they will get out, scatter the werewolves, put them in a puddle, open them secret to the whole world. The Europeans, breaking their teeth from grinding, will apologize to Yaga and let everyone go back. In Lukoshkino, another skirmish is possible with Koshchei and the shamakhans, who decided to attack on the sly and in the absence of a task force. End.
Optionally, Mitka will be called a “stupid evil Russian”, ladies will hang on him, because there are no such men in Europe, Nikita too, after which Alena will burst into a speech “all women in Europe are ugly”. Be sure to show the golden flea caps. Mitka will be dressed as a woman again, there will be a bunch of jokes about gays. If Belyanin completely stumbles into vulgarity, the clerk will also change clothes, and consider everything normal to have a beard, because Conchita Wurst. Allusions to European fairy tales, the Brothers Grimm will definitely get it. Perhaps even in the form of meeting with them and "they tore up all our fairy tales, adding blood, fu." Maybe the same will happen with Shakespeare. There will definitely be allusions to Cinderella, The Bremen Town Musicians, Rapunzel and Rumpelstiltskin.
The result is a dull book, where you can smile only in a couple of places, and all the jokes and jokes will be bearded even for the "Full House" and funny only to the characters, with a bunch of attacks towards Europe for every step to the left, step to the right from the standards of Russia. It will come only to fans of Belyanin, fans of "Secret Investigation" and just those who just want to laugh at stupid Europeans. Yes, they may not like it.
P.S. I really hope that I exaggerated, made a mistake and am generally pessimistic.
Score: 3
Well, I finally got around to reading it. So I leave now not a guessing, but a normal review.
Suddenly for me, I guessed the werewolves. True, not in the vein in which he described, and indeed my fears were exaggerated. No dressing up as a woman, no flea caps, no men in pantyhose directly. Nevertheless, Belyanin tries not to cross a certain line of vulgarity.
Alas, almost everything else can not be said in a good tone.
Starting with, although they do not cross the line, they balance dangerously. There will be a naked clerk here, and Yaga flirtingly waving her skirt, and a kiss between men (not in the usual form and as a humorous scene - but still), and hitting the causal place has long been a classic.
Special mention deserves "folk" conversations. Just because they are disgusting - stupid, lustful and vulgar, and also filled with national stereotypes so idiotic that it becomes embarrassing for the author. And this is not the first book like this - I have no idea what Belyanin found in them so good. Separately, it delivers that when such conversations are heard from the lips of the Germans, they look much more polite and normal.
And since we are talking about national stereotypes, there is one more reason to praise Belyanin for the fact that he still adheres to the line “You never know what politicians have not divided there, people are the same everywhere and no worse than somewhere else ". And for those who are especially dull, he says it in plain text. However, then they safely forget about it - and now the heroes are already continuing an endless stream of complaints about how Europe does not love them, strives to intimidate them, will not live without Russia itself, and in general “what are they?” Involuntarily, the suspicion creeps into my head that Belyanin is more likely to joke about such complaints - they are too caricatured, it comes to serious thoughts about how the Germans, who build stone houses and have huge forest spaces, prefer to lick their lips at the Russian forest and depend on it - but this then some too subtle banter comes out.
And of course, not without European fairy tales and allusions to them. And here Belyanin failed completely, because with all the rich material, with great potential to tie it together into a coherent plot, most fairy-tale characters appear as cameos. And it would be nice to have a normal cameo - so no. For example, a fairy tale about a smart maiden who, with her ingenuity, defeated the tyrant-king who gave impossible tasks, was reduced to "a girl in a net danced over her naked body." The rest fairy tale characters appearances are for the most part just as "worthy".
Finally, huge plot holes. From the very beginning, no one thinks to find out how it was suddenly learned that Yaga was the last to see Johan - especially when it turns out that this is not so. But these are small things compared to the gigantic contradictions of the finale.
Spoiler (plot reveal) (click on it to see)
So, it turns out that the werewolves need to free their leader, Johan. And as soon as the task force arrives, and the werewolf burgomaster sends it to the rescue, knowing full well that whoever else will climb, they ... attack the task force. And the burgomaster is among them.
Well, let's say werewolves are dumb and generally wanted to eat. However, then it turns out that the Black Queen, who had Johan all this time, acted in concert with him, could release him at any moment, and, in fact, did it more than once. So why then all the fuss? Why did you have to pull Yaga? And what did Johan do in Russia before that - did he establish contacts?
You can search around and find more nitpicks. The characters in the tenth book remained the same as in the first - well, Nikita is not supposed to, and Yaga had already done her development, but Mitya and the deacon should have already grown up and wised up. Yaga, on the other hand, naturally turns into a god from the car - and she has an arsenal with a homing bow, and acquaintances at every corner, and combat experience is not sickly, and she is able to kill an older witch in her patrimony without problems. Anachronisms become absolutely wonderful - Nikita knows the word "blogger", and Holland of those times is already considered a country of gays.
But you know what - okay, God with all this. Well, plot holes - we met the worst in better works. Well, humor is based on national stereotypes - since it is written, it means that it is funny to someone. Well, the characters do not develop, well, vulgarity, well, the allusions did not come out - it's all tolerable.
The main problem of the work is in another - it is absolutely empty.
Belyanin was always trying to come up with something - not necessarily new, not necessarily good, but something. Aliens in the other world. Reality-changing poems. Polite and well-read thug. Yes, the same Secret Investigation - a policeman who, even in fairy world stands up primarily for law and order. And there were always witty and varied characters, dialogues, situations. It was simply interesting to read, it was interesting to expect a new portion of the author's fantasy and not always predict exactly how it will dodge. There were ridicule of stamps, there were experiments, there was fun.
It doesn't exist here. Everything is predictable. Everything was already there, including at Belyanin himself. Everything is boring. Everything is sad.
The ending hints that this is not the last book about the task force. And a personal request - let it be something better than this, some kind of experiment, surprise, a new look. Let the progressive aliens come and make you seriously think about whether progress is needed or not. Let there be an allusion to superheroes - not with red shorts and carrying democracy, but rather that a meeting with a person who has received superpower and wants to save everyone with its help, without thinking through the consequences. Let the task force move to the time Nikita came from, and he will be torn between two houses. Anything with enough imagination.
Because if the next book is about how the task force in Lukoshkino is waving with Koshchey / another fairy-tale villain or making the same trip to Arab countries, while leaving the worst national stereotypes and the already incredibly sick squabble with the clerk as the main sources of humor, then Belyanin as a writer personally for me it will be dead.
Outcome: worst book about the task force. But there is still hope.
Score: 3
I think it's time for the author to tie up with the cycle. The humor is so subtle that it is no longer visible. For the sake of interest, I re-read the author's early works - light reading, causing laughter on almost every page. This book made me smile a couple of times. A rusty sword, to take it alive - already extra books, sucking the plot out of your finger, strained humor - and at the expense of the "blue" (probably a tribute to the times) and Belarusian potatoes before the discovery of America and Baba Yaga in her youth - it turns out to be women of very light moral principles, yes and our Russian corruption...
25
sep
2017
Secret investigation of Tsar Peas 10. Take the dead alive (Belyanin Andrey)
Format: audiobook, MP3, 128kbps
Release year: 2017
Genre:
Publisher:
Executor:
Duration: 09:13:37
Description: Studio "" presents the tenth audiobook of the popular series "The Secret Investigation of King Peas" by the famous Russian writer Andrey Belyanin - "Take alive dead»
Book read popular artist(more than 26 roles in films) and famous actor dubbing by Alexander Khoshabaev, who has dubbed in more than 70 films, including such bestsellers as Alien: Covenant (2017), Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017), Assassin's Creed ( 2016), Jack Reacher 2: Never Go Back (2016), Dovlatov 2016 and many others.
“I won’t allow Baba Yaga to be executed!” Tsar Pea shouted, stamping his feet so that the tower staggered.
But we have the court order from Nuremberg in our hands, and the grandmother, in her youth, played a lot of tricks in the forests, so the old case about Prince Johan, allegedly eaten by her, fell on our shoulders. And in order to prove the innocence of our grandmother, the entire task force will have to go all the way to Europe!
Well, yes, where ours did not disappear!
And then it wouldn’t have disappeared if it weren’t for the scandalous clerk and the “wolf hook” ... "
18
dec
2015
Secret investigation of the king of Peas-08. Rusty sword of Tsar Peas (Andrey Belyanin), Mikhail Roslyakov]
Author:
Release year: 2015
Genre:
Publisher:
Executor:
Duration: 10:19:59
Description: If there is a moment of silence and free time, then why not open a shabby office notebook and remember old things. It seems that autumn has just begun to come to Lukoshkino. We rested. Nothing foreshadowed problems until Baba Yaga managed to tell us a bedtime story. And it started...
Add. Information: Read according to the edition:
M .: "Alpha-book", 2014.
Musical accompaniment: absent ...
30
sep
2017
The Secret Investigation of Tsar Pea 8. The Rusty Sword of Tsar Pea (Andrey Belyanin)
Author:
Release year: 2014
Genre:
Publisher: "Audiobooks by Vladimir Knyazev ()"
Executor:
Duration: 09:02:29
Description: Mysterious thefts, desperate chases, demons-mercenaries-triples, Koshcheev's intrigues, elusive poisoners, the second cousin of our Pea, a fight in a convent, a clerk in a matchmaking, Mitka in cabbage and me with white wings behind my back ... Eh, nothing more retell! And who would have believed that all this was for the sake of an old rusty sword?
30
sep
2017
Secret investigation of Tsar Pea 9. Black sword of Tsar Koshchei (Andrey Belyanin)
Format: audiobook, MP3, 192kbps
Author:
Release year: 2015
Genre:
Publisher: Audiobooks by Vladimir Knyazev ()"
Executor:
Duration: 13:44:14
Description: People always steal in Russia. As soon as I managed to get married, a new terrible crime covered my native Lukoshkino. In an instant, the following were abducted by an unknown force: our queen Lydia Adolfina, Mitina's bride Manyasha and ... my wife. Guess who's in charge of all this? Especially if Koschey was found dead, Baba Yaga fell in love with the suspect, and my faithful partner Mitka became gray wolf, one hundred...
30
sep
2017
Secret investigation of Tsar Peas 9. Black sword of Tsar Koshchei (Belyanin Andrey)
Author:
Release year: 2016
Genre:
Publisher:
Executor:
Duration: 13:34:29
Description: People always steal in Russia. I had just managed to get married, when a new terrible crime covered my native Lukoshkino. In an instant, an unknown force abducted: our queen Lydia Adolfina, Mitina's bride Manyasha and ... my wife! Guess who's in charge of all this? Especially if Koschey was found dead, Baba Yaga fell in love with the suspect, and my faithful partner Mitka became the Gray Wolf, with the same strength and indefatigable imagination...
22
dec
2015
Secret investigation of the king of Peas-09. Black sword of Tsar Koshchei (Andrey Belyanin), Ivan Litvinov]
Format: audiobook, MP3, 80kbps
Author:
Release year: 2015
Genre:
Publisher:
Executor:
Duration: 13:34:27
Description: Special services have been and will always be! The bright everyday life of the employees of the 1st police department of the city of Lukoshkino is diversified daily by all kinds of warlocks, boyars-thieves, Koschei the Deathless, be remembered not by night. Lieutenant of militia Nikita Ivanovich Ivashov, private Mitka and secret adviser Baba Yaga stand in the way of fabulous outrages as an impregnable wall. In Lukoshkino - capital city Tsar Peas, former member of the...
28
aug
2007
The Secret Investigation of the King of Peas - 4 ("The Case of the Sober Buffoons")
Genre:
Author: A. Belyanin
Publisher:
Release year: 2005
Description:
Name: Ivashov Nikita Ivanovich.
Position: head of the first police department in the city of Lukoshkin, or, in a local way, detective governor. I was born and raised in Moscow, here, in a semi-fairy-tale kingdom-state, I ended up by accident, I couldn’t return, I got used to it for a year and I don’t twitch anywhere. I work in my specialty, successfully formed a well-coordinated team and even unraveled several high-profile cases. We live with the whole team in the tower of Baba Yaga, the old woman is still ... In terms of the economy and forensic activities of equals ...
27
aug
2007
The Secret Investigation of King Pea-4 (Black Mass Conspiracy) [Fantasy]
Genre:
Author:
Description: The enemy will not pass! In the face of the adversary united front and the cops and evil spirits! And even Koshcheyushka, and he will help ... We rest further The enemy will not pass! Beelzebub, the whole world and the cops and evil spirits, and the father and the king father will spit on the horns, so that it is not habitual! Even Koshcheyushka didn’t stand aside... And the evil Satanists... Wow... Let’s rest further... Well, if it’s short, then the enemies from the German settlement started to call the Lord of the Flies - Beelzebub, that is... This indecent fact disturbed even Koshchei, who did not break off to help his native Lukoshkin police ... ...
22
oct
2010
The Secret Investigation of Tsar Peas (Andrey Belyanin) All seven books
Format: 96-160kb/s MP3
Year of release: 2003-2009
Genre:
Publisher:
Author:
Performers: A. Zaretsky, V. Maksimov, A. Kozhevnikova, A. Belyanin, A. Khoshabaev
Duration: 29:55:00
Description: 7 audiobooks about the junior lieutenant of militia Nikita Ivanovich Ivashov, who, by some strange miracle, ended up in ancient magical Russia, namely in the capital - Lukoshkino. Not at a loss on the spot, he takes up the broomstick of law and order and organizes a police department ... Book 1. The Secret Investigation of the King of Peas. Book 2. Black Mass Conspiracy Book 3. Flying ship...
20
july
2012
The Secret Investigation of King Peas. The Case of the Sober Buffoons (Andrey Belyanin)
Format: audiobook, MP3, 128kbps
Author:
Release year: 2012
Genre:
Publisher:
Executor:
Duration: 10:14:49
Description:
Name: Ivashov Nikita Ivanovich.
Position: head of the first police department of the city of Lukoshkin, or, in a local way, detective governor. I was born and raised in Moscow, here, in a semi-fairy-tale kingdom-state, I ended up by accident, I couldn’t return, I got used to it for a year and I don’t twitch anywhere. I work in my specialty, successfully formed a well-coordinated team and even unraveled several high-profile cases. The whole team lives in...
06
aug
2014
The Secret Investigation of the King of Peas. Task Force in the Village (Book 6 of 8) (Andrey Belyanin)
Format: audiobook, MP3, 192kbps
Author:
Release year: 2006
Genre: , humor
Publisher: 1C-Publishing
Executor:
Duration: 07:46:49
Description: In the investigation of terrible crimes in Lukoshkino, the honored detective governor Nikita Ivashov is rushed to the aid of the immortal forensic expert Baba Yaga and the junior officer of the investigative department Dmitry Lbov. And they know that everything is different in Lukoshkino. And if in Europe princes and queens come to the court of a beautiful princess, then here, on the contrary, twelve girls of noble birth go to ...
07
oct
2012
The Secret Investigation of the King of Peas. Marry and defuse (book 7 of 7) (Andrey Belyanin)
Format: audiobook, MP3, 96kbps
Author:
Release year: 2012
Genre: , humor
Publisher:
Executor:
Duration: 09:46:43
Description: How well it all started... gold autumn, it's warm, it's time for weddings, my bride Olenushka is in a hurry to Lukoshkino, I honestly wait for her, Father Kondrat is already setting the day for our wedding and ... Paragraph! Everything! Peas went crazy (by full program!), the queen leaves him, they put me (a district policeman!) in prison, Yaga makes scandal after scandal, Mitka is beaten (well, this is not new), a horde of shamakhs is moving towards the city ... and the most hostile ...
Andrey Belyanin
Take alive the dead
The rooster woke me up.
How many times have I promised myself to shoot him before the formation without the right to the last cigarette?
But the first “ku-ka-re” has already thundered, but for now the last “ku!” not yet fully echoed throughout Lukoshkino, my lips gently touched those of Olena. How wonderful it is when the morning begins with a kiss from your beloved ...
I will go back a little (someone explained to me that in fiction so accepted), perhaps this book will reach a reader who knows nothing about me, or about the police service, or about our entire heroic task force? Okay, let's play by your reader's rules.
So, let me introduce myself, I am Nikita Ivanovich Ivashov, born and raised in Moscow, graduated as a junior lieutenant of police, and during the citywide exercises I climbed the wrong way, in the wrong house, in the wrong basement, but got out in another world. As they say, welcome to us, to the fabulous Russia of the reign of Tsar Pea, to the capital city of Lukoshkino!
Stationed in the tower of a real (I give a tooth!) Baba Yaga. A sweet old woman with a terrible smile, limping a little on a bone leg, over three hundred years old, I think; she also has a huge black cat and a household brownie Nazim from mountainous Azerbaijan. By the way, the grandmother herself is retired, out of boredom she got involved in our police investigations, and, I tell you, you won’t find the best forensic expert in the whole wide world!
In the same tower, our entire department somehow managed to accommodate: there is an interrogation room, and a chop in the yard for especially violent ones, our archive behind the stove, a stable with official vehicles (a red mare and a magical Sivka-Burka), and also a streltsy is marching around the yard a hundred of Foma Yeremeev, who was nicknamed the police for a long time by the people. Serious guys, almost special forces.
We also have Mitya. Legendary personality. The figure of a young Ilya Muromets with the mental level of Carlson. He even has a motor buzzing in one place, he doesn’t let him live in peace, not a day without adventures, and if Mitka gets stuck somewhere, then not up to the tomatoes, but right up to the chest! In all other respects - a friendly guy, kind, faithful, and the department is his home. Look like that's it?
Oh no, I also got married recently, then we even went on a honeymoon trip to the Glass Mountain. Fun, of course, but somehow there is no desire to repeat it.
Nikitushka, Olenushka, go already, breakfast is getting cold!
Go, go, - the young wife kindly pushed me, in the past a professional demon in the service of Koshchei the Immortal.
This is with us, if anyone forgot, such Criminal authority. If we take all the high-profile crimes over the past hundred - one hundred and fifty years, then almost everyone will loom the sinister shadow of this genius of the underworld. He is far from being a fool, he has an excellent education and could be a useful member of society if it were not for his manic inclinations and the confidence that he personally cultivated in himself from infancy that the laws were not written for him.
And I'll comb my hair for you too.
No, let me wait here for you.
After our last case, Yaga returned to Lukoshkino as a young hook-nosed beauty. But for reasons unknown to me, she did not want to remain such, voluntarily returning to her old appearance. Although... I don't know... maybe she's right, living with a young body and the mind of a three hundred year old woman is... No, it doesn't fit in my head.
And, to be honest, we are all somehow used to the classic Baba Yaga. We got used to it and even love it in our own way. In general, I really better hurry down. For the third time, the grandmother will no longer call, she herself will come running with an ax.
Good morning, grandma. - Quickly running down the stairs, I kissed Yaga on his wrinkled cheek. - Olena will be there soon, combing her hair. What do we have for today?
Well, in the first case, eat wheat porridge with homemade ham. - Grandmother seated me at a richly laid table. - Fresh bread, fish pies only from the oven, sour cream for pancakes with butter and tea with honey!
I'll burst.
Sewing up the belly is a simple matter.
Then I'll get fat and stop going through the door.
Do you really need it, honey? retorted Yaga. - Sit at home, let the Eremeevites run for you, and Mityai, if he sits idle, immediately begins to deteriorate.
By the way, where is he?
I went to the market to buy fresh cabbage, beef meat, Vladimir cereals, sunflower oil, Baskunchak salt, and even ...
Granny, you shouldn’t let him near cabbage at all! For him, this word, “cabbage”, is perceived as an order from above: go and gobble up the whole barrel from Aunt Matryona! I reminded.
Fuck you, Nikitushka, you don't trust the boy, you don't love him.
Well, I won't argue, I love my wife more than Mitya, that's right. He is a specific type for us, he simply loves the police service, but by and large no one has ever done so much harm to the image of the police itself as our junior officer Dmitry Lobov!
It’s good that our Lukoshkinites are conscious citizens, if anything, they either wrap it in a carpet, or in the same barrel packed in the department deliver it. We apologize and re-educate, and all over again, this is our cross ...
Appeared - not dusty, daughter-in-law beloved. - Baba Yaga ceremoniously kissed Olena in a purely Moscow manner.
That is, smack-smack, but without touching each other's cheeks. They "became friends" during their joint stay on the Glass Mountain in captivity at the Serpent Gorynych. Not to say that the first girlfriends, of course, but not enemies anymore. But there was a time, they were so dogged here - extinguish the light, throw a grenade.
Yes, eat already, everything will cool down!
The three of us ceremoniously sat down at the table. Just in time to see out of the corner of my eye how the carriage of the German ambassador Knut Hamsunovich drives into the gates of the department. This is our good old Aryan friend.
I’ll put another plate, ”Yaga broke off from her seat. - Such same people! Entot kind person Knut Pletkovich...
Hamsunovich, - I corrected automatically.
- ... I was presented with a European ointment for the lower back last month. On a bee sting! Already so useful, there are no words, like a young one running around in circles around the yard, because it burned so much, it burned so much that it would have killed the bastard-a !!! To go, perhaps, to meet with bread and salt?
While my housewife blew into her room to dress up for the visit of a dear guest, my wife and I stared out the window. Mitya stepped out of the carriage, opening the doors.
Where is Knut Hamsunovich? - we asked in one voice, looking sideways at a large barrel from under sauerkraut, which our junior employee rolled out of the same carriage. From under the tightly pressed lid, curls of an embassy wig were visible. My mother is jurisprudence...
Honey, you can't fire him, am I right?
They've been fired six times already, all to no avail, - I confirmed sadly. - But on such a large international scandal he hits for the first time. Well, it turns out that we, too, to the delight of the whole of Chukotka, sat down with our bare asses in warm seal fat.
Olena glanced at me with bewildered respect (if I may say so), but I can’t explain to her that in our police school a Yakut colonel didn’t make such jokes. For the most part, they are extremely indecent.
Hello, Knut Hamsunovich, dear guest, - Baba Yaga issued automatically, in a brand new sundress, in her hands bread and salt on a tray, and in her eyes sincere love for all civilized Europe.
Mityai silently slammed the barrel with the ambassador onto the floor, removed the lid, and crossed himself widely, from shoulder to shoulder, meter by meter.
Report, - I ordered, while Olena was fanning a grandmother who had settled on the floor with a towel.
And I walked, walked yes good fellow- singsongly began our hero, who, in fact, does not belong in the organs, but in the Sakhalin penal servitude. - He didn’t beat anyone, he smiled at the whole good people, but ... Well, you won’t say “ay lyuli-lyuli”?
Mitya, don’t start, and so the nerves are not state-owned, - I answered and suddenly broke down: - What kind of drunken goblin did you suddenly pack a foreign diplomat in a keg, you bastard? Decided to provoke the Third World War, huh?!
Take comfort, Nikita Ivanovich. Our junior officer easily and very politely removed my hands from his neck. - There is a weighty reason for that. For our mutual friend, the German ambassador, personally stopped me at the market and offered to take me to the department in his own carriage.
And for that you face him down in sauerkraut?
No, how can you! I serve the honor of the uniform with terrible force. It was not for this reason that I had to pack Knut Hamsunovich. And for the statement!
What statement, dumbass?!
Olena left her grandmother for a minute to hang on my shoulders.
So he ... this ... wrote a complete statement to Granny Yagulenka, - Mitya exhaled mournfully. - Say, she is a murderer and a terrible criminal. So, they say, there is no place in the department! And, most importantly, the scoundrel, he lied shamelessly, as if he had evidence.
What other evidence? - I was in a hurry.
And such that supposedly the Austrian Prince Johan the Handsome in his last letter told the fatherland that he was staying in Russia with the beautiful Yaga. Afterwards, nothing was known about him. Well, besides the traditional “Johan meat, we will sing, and I will ride on its bones.” But those are rumors...
Take alive the dead Andrey Belyanin
(No ratings yet)
Title: Take the Dead Alive
Author: Andrey Belyanin
Year: 2017
Genre: Heroic fantasy, Detective fantasy, Popadantsy, Russian fantasy, Humorous fantasy
About the book "Taking the dead alive" Andrey Belyanin
- I will not allow the execution of Baba Yaga! shouted Tsar Gorokh, stamping his feet so that the tower staggered.
But we have the court order from Nuremberg in our hands, and the grandmother, in her youth, played a lot of tricks in the forests, so the old case about Prince Johan, allegedly eaten by her, fell on our shoulders. And in order to prove the innocence of our grandmother, the entire task force will have to go all the way to Europe!
Well, where did ours go!
And then it would not have disappeared if not for the scandalous clerk and the "wolf hook" ...
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Well, not really all and never, but we are still fighting for the supremacy of the law over traditional Russian tyranny.
- We wish you good health, father of the detective governor. - Yeremeevsky archers opened the gates.
- Mitka! I shouted loudly. - Take the device, waved without looking!
- What? he stared, peering out from behind the bath.
- I say, accept the mare, put the cart in its place, accompany the prisoner in the cut.
- And who do we have here? Filimon Mitrofanovich, what fate?! Well, we didn’t have time to miss you current-current.
- Herod you are a policeman! I’ll write everything as it is to your dearest mother in the village! She will ask you, she will ...
Citizen Gruzdev deftly spat in all directions, but he didn’t hit anyone, therefore he was carried to the chop without scuffle and knocked down head over heels. After recent events, when this rogue in a yarmulke with a pigtail and shifty eyes insolently betrayed us right and left, regardless of either Christian morality or loyal duty, we also stopped almonding with the clerk of the Duma order. Yes, and how much is already possible, huh?
Olena was not in the house, the same Mitya explained that she had gone to the market, but she did not say why. The German ambassador, washed up, rested, satisfied, sat at the table, chasing tea with Baba Yaga.
- I won't interfere? I stumbled on the threshold.
“Why, come in, Nikitushka,” the grandmother sighed modestly lowering her eyes. - I live in my own house, on my own land, why should I hide in my old age in my own department from my own employees? While you were gone, I told Knut Hamsunovich the whole truth as it is.
“I am, I am,” the gray-haired German confirmed, adjusting his wig on his tea-soaked head. “And I must say that your Grossmutter Policeman was very persuasive. Personally, I wouldn't have any complaints about her.
So the case is closed?
“The matter has not yet begun, falcon,” Yaga corrected me with a sad smile. - Vaughn Olenka your from the yard ran to buy something for witchcraft. And as we get the result in our hands, then we’ll figure out according to our mind what and where. Is it a matter of torturing Ali from the case of whining?
- Well, can you at least briefly explain what the problem is?
My housewife exchanged glances with the ambassador, and both of them, interrupting each other, set off to paint the saucer with Gzhel and the plate with Khokhloma. This is figuratively speaking, but in fact everything is simpler and clearer. I'll tell you briefly.
Yes, yes, in the years of her golden youth, Baba Yaga, being herself a fully established witch with a name, really met several times with all sorts of princes-princes there.
The kings in the mass were our Slavic: Russian, Bulgarian, Serbian. The royals are exclusively from Central Europe. With the princes of Persia, Asia and the countries of the Muslim East, things somehow did not work out very well. Perhaps the question is in religious subtleties, perhaps the grandmother was simply an opponent of polygamy. Who knows, call back?!
Of course, the fatal beauty did not keep any special accounting books, she did not indulge in diary entries, and the so-called girl's memory was much shorter than that of the vast majority of the fairer sex. I am very, very, very transparently hinting that Yaga did not particularly suffer from marital fidelity and changed all sorts of men there many times more often than wicker bast shoes in the spring thaw. Something like this…
At a certain stage, she lived a sickly criminal life, earning a livelihood exclusively by criminal means. If you understand, then many princes-princes-kings, having drunk green wine in a bath with a hawk-nosed beauty-minx, suddenly woke up in a dense forest, no one knows where, without a penny in their pocket, and in general it’s good if in underwear.
However, Yaga did not like to kill, which eventually forced her in her advanced years to undergo spiritual purification in some distant northern monastery, and then, having changed a couple of places of residence, finally settled in the modest Lukoshkino.
“I didn’t touch your Johan,” the grandmother muttered quietly and not quite confidently, fiddling with her handkerchief. - Germans, Hungarians, Frenchmen, British, Poles all sorts often dropped by. But was that Austrian? I don’t remember for sure ... Johann, Johan, Ivan, the name is too common.
So you don't have an alibi?
- You hit a squirrel in the eye, Nikitushka.
- However, you, Knut Hamsunovich, as I understand it, have only circumstantial evidence on hand?
- Natyurlikh, Herr Ivashov, but, unfortunately, politicians play different cards.
In general, whether we want it or not, whether there is evidence or not, whether there was actually some kind of crime or not, if certain political circles decided to pit Friedrich Wilhelm with Peas, then they will do anything! One sovereign cannot show his weakness in protecting the missing heir to the throne, and the other in the same way will not allow the grandmother-examination known to all Lukoshkino to be issued to a European court and sent to the fire in shackles.
So, if not a war, then at least an international scandal and a break in diplomatic relations. You yourself understand what this means.
“Wherever you throw it, everything is a wedge,” I recalled a proverb suitable for the occasion.
Yaga and the ambassador nodded in agreement. We have never played such subtle political games before. Yes, in fact, this is not at all the level of a small police station, you must admit, yes ...
I wonder if Peas have their own diplomatic corps in the boyar duma? At least someone should solve such important issues without wars, resolving all the acute moments of international relations ...
I'm still with school history I remember that at first, eminent priests with high nobles or some other important advisers tried to resolve all the misunderstandings, and the military men menacingly entered into the matter in terms of the effectiveness of these negotiations. So, there is still some chance for peace. And thanks for that.
Light steps were heard outside the door, Olena entered the room. In the hands of the former devil was a small basket covered with a white canvas.
“Darling, have you already been told everything?”
I shrugged. My wife smiled softly and glanced at Yaga. Grandmother chuckled sarcastically and nodded in the same silent manner. Knut Hamsunovich firmly pushed the teacup aside, stretched, and silently stared at the basket. The general scene of group silence was intriguing and enchanting.
In meaningful silence, a dry crow's foot, a vial of blood (yes, I was not mistaken!), a bag of black powder, a piece of birch bark and two silver coins of German minting migrated from the basket to the table. It seems so…
“Well, companions,” the grandmother rubbed a wart on her nose, significantly clicking her teeth, “disperse this hour three steps to the side, I’ll start conjuring here.” And you, a German guest from the land of Austria, sit as you sat, but don’t talk hand in hand and don’t poke your head with advice.
- Yawol, dear. - Knut Hamsunovich involuntarily touched the hilt of Solingen's rapier in a sling, but immediately pulled his hand away. He really believed our grandmother, no matter who and no matter what they thought.
Olena and I obediently sat down on the bench, shoulder to shoulder, like sweethearts. I knew how dangerous it was to interfere in Grandma's expert affairs. She is such a chemist here that for the sake of a scientific experiment she will not reckon with any losses. There was a case, once from an explosion the roof of the Bazaar Square was demolished, it was good that no one was crippled, but the whole department could not wash black faces in the bathhouse for three days. I'll tell you in more detail, if necessary, not now ...
“Nikitushka, lock the door,” Yaga asked, lighting a large black wax candle.
I quickly obeyed my housewife's order and sat quietly next to my wife again.
- Come on, what did you bring, Knut Pletkovich.
The ambassador groaned, slapped his forehead with his hand, and quickly took out a small medallion from his inside pocket. I saw such, this is a portrait in miniature, so that it would be convenient to give to a loved one to wear around the neck. Spitzrutenberg handed the medallion to the grandmother, who grunted, as if confirming that this young handsome man was familiar to her. So this is what the missing prince looked like ...