A polite refusal, drawn up taking into account psychological subtleties, will allow you to say “no” in such a way that the addressee will not only not be offended, but will also become stronger in his desire for further cooperation.

From the article you will learn:

When and how polite opt-out forms are used

Knowing how to use polite forms of refusal when you cannot fulfill someone's request will always come in handy. Of course, in the workplace where you perform your professional duties, it is much less likely to fail. This is due to the ethics of business relationships, when both requests and the obligation to fulfill them are strictly regulated job descriptions and the one who makes the request, and the one to whom it is addressed.

However, circumstances may develop in such a way that you will have a certain freedom of choice. Most often, these are just such requests and proposals from colleagues which just go beyond the established regulations. But in some situations, a polite refusal may be required, even when the request is related to the fulfillment of what is included in your functionality, but due to workload you cannot fulfill it.

In any case, a one-word "no" answer is out of the question. You should use polite refusal forms so as not to spoil the relationship with a colleague or leader and, at the same time, make it clear that such requests should not be made to you in the future.

Psychologists advise using such simple but effective polite forms of refusal as:

1. Delayed decision- ask for time to think about the request, promise to let you know if you can fulfill it after, for example, checking your diary and business plan;
2. Explain why you will not be able to comply with the request- although you are not obliged to give explanations (if this is not a direct order from the head);
3. Anticipate the Request- if you assume that a request will follow, complain to the interlocutor before he expresses it, about how you are loaded;
4. Promise that next time you will fulfill the request- this option polite form refusal still does not oblige you to say “yes” next time, especially when supplementing it with the condition “in case I have free time»;
5. “Mirror” the request of the interlocutor with your refusal- repeat those phrases with which the interlocutor is trying to convince you to fulfill his request, showing friendly participation and looking into the eyes of your counterpart.

EXAMPLE

An example of a polite refusal in a "mirror" form:

You: "Unfortunately, I won't be able to help you with the report after lunch."

Colleague: "I need to do it today."

You: "Yes, I know you have to turn in your report today, but I won't have time to help you."

Colleague: "But today is the last day for submitting reports."

You: “Yes, today is the deadline, but I am busy in the afternoon and will not be able to participate in the preparation of the report.”

A polite refusal can be used in a relationship with a direct supervisor or director. If, for example, he tries to load you with overtime work for the umpteenth time, try explaining that the greater the load, the less your productivity. Explain to him that work time you will be able to perform assigned tasks according to their priority.

MENSBY

4.6

Many take advantage of your kindness, and when you refuse, they accuse you of terry selfishness and heartlessness? Living the life you want is not selfishness. Selfishness is when others have to think and live the way you want.

There are many people in the world who are called trouble-free. You can turn to them at any time of the day for help, and they will never refuse. Many attribute this property of their character to the merits of a person, because it is beneficial to always “have at hand” such a “failsafe” in order to throw some of their problems onto him.

However, rarely does anyone take the trouble to think: maybe a person simply cannot refuse?

People who can't say no often don't have enough time for their own affairs and personal lives, although they may at best expect a dubious compliment as a thank you for their dependability.

A vivid example of a trouble-free person and what the inability to refuse leads to is the old film "Autumn Marathon" with Oleg Basilashvili in leading role. The hero of the film is not young, but he never learned to refuse and live the way he wants. His life has almost passed, but he never took place as a person, because he always lived the way others wanted.

Reliable people always, like a magnet, attract people who actively use their inability to refuse. We can say that the executioner is looking for a victim, and the victim of the executioner. And even if the “failsafe” suddenly rebels and refuses the role of a lifesaver, he will immediately be accused of terry selfishness and heartlessness.

There are golden words that everyone should remember: “To live the way you yourself want is not selfishness. Selfishness is when others have to think and live the way you want.

Why are people afraid to say "no"?

People who fulfill other people's requests against their will, most often have a soft and indecisive character. In their hearts, they really want to say “no,” but they are so afraid of embarrassing or offending another person with a refusal that they force themselves to do something that they don’t like at all.

So many people later regret that they once wanted to, but could not say no.

Often people, when refusing, say the word “no” as if they feel guilty about something - it seems to them that some kind of unpleasant reaction will follow. And indeed, many are not used to being refused, and “no” causes a negative reaction in them - they are rude, break off relationships, etc.

Some people do not say "no" because of the fear of becoming unwanted and alone.
How to politely refuse?

When we say no, we often make enemies. However, it is worth remembering what is more important for us - to offend someone with a refusal or to take on the fulfillment of burdensome obligations. Moreover, it is not at all necessary to refuse in a rude form. For example, the same diplomats try not to say "yes" or "no", replacing them with the words "Let's discuss it."

When saying "no", it is worth remembering that:

this word can protect against problems;

can mean "yes" if pronounced uncertainly;
successful people say “no” more often than “yes”;
by denying what we cannot or do not want to do, we will feel like a winner.

There are several simple ways to politely decline, which show that this task is within the power of anyone.

1. Outright refusal

Some people believe that when refusing something, it is imperative to state the reason for the refusal. This is misconception. First, explanations will look like excuses, and excuses will give the asker hope that you can change your mind. Secondly, it is not always possible to name the real reason for the refusal. If you invent it, in the future the lie can be exposed and put both in an awkward position. In addition, a person who speaks insincere often gives himself away with facial expressions and voice.

Therefore, it is better not to fantasize, but simply say “no” without adding anything else. You can soften the rejection by saying: “No, I can’t do it”, “I don’t want to do this”, “I don’t have time for this”.

If a person ignores these words and continues to insist, you can use the “broken record” method, repeating the same words of refusal after each of his tirade. No need to interrupt the speaker with objections and ask questions - just say “no”.

This method is suitable for refusing people who are aggressive and overly persistent.

2. Sympathetic rejection

This technique is suitable for refusing people who tend to get their own requests, causing pity and sympathy. In this case, it is worth showing them that you empathize, but cannot help in any way.

For example, "I'm sorry, but I can't help you." Or “I see that it’s not easy for you, but I can’t solve your problem.”

3. Reasonable refusal

This is a rather polite refusal and can be used in any setting - formal and informal. It is also suitable for refusal to older people, and for refusal to people occupying a higher position on the career ladder.

This denial assumes what you call real reason, according to which you cannot fulfill the request: “I can’t do this, because tomorrow I’m going to the theater with my child,” etc.

It will be even more convincing if you name not one reason, but three. This technique is called failure for three reasons. The main thing in its application is the brevity of the wording so that the asker quickly catches the essence.

4. Delayed rejection

This method can be used by people for whom refusing someone's request is a psychological drama, and they almost automatically agree to any request. People of such a warehouse often doubt their innocence and tend to endlessly analyze their actions.

Delayed rejection allows you to think about the situation, and if necessary, seek advice from friends. Its essence is not to say "no" immediately, but to ask for time to make a decision. Thus, you can insure yourself against rash steps.

A reasoned denial might look like this: “I can't answer right now because I don't remember my plans for the weekend. Perhaps I arranged to meet someone. I need to look at my weekly to be sure.” Or “I need to consult at home”, “I need to think. I'll tell you later" etc.

You can refuse in this way to people who are assertive and do not tolerate objections.

5. Compromise refusal

Such a refusal can be called a half refusal, because we want to help a person, but not completely, but partially, and not on his terms, which seem unrealistic to us, but on our own. In this case, it is necessary to clearly define the conditions for assistance - what and when we can and what not.

For example, "I can take your child to school with mine, but only have it ready by eight o'clock." Or "I can help you do the repairs, but only on Saturdays."

If such conditions do not suit the applicant, then we have the right to refuse with a calm soul.

6. Diplomatic refusal

It involves a mutual search for an acceptable solution. We refuse to do what we do not want or cannot do, but together with the person who asks, we are looking for a solution to the problem.

For example, "I can't help you, but I have a friend who deals with these issues." Or “Perhaps I can help you in some other way?”.

In response to examples of various refusal techniques, one can object that it is necessary to help people and that, by refusing others, we ourselves risk being in difficult situation when we have nothing to rely on someone's help. notice, that we are talking only about the requests of people who are accustomed to "play with one goal", believe that everyone is indebted to them and abuse the reliability of other people.

This article will tell you in an accessible form how decisively, but at the same time competently, accurately and politely refuse a person asking you for a favor...

Not so long ago I watched the movie with Jim Carrey "Yes Man" (2008 release). The plot revolved around the idea that you need to overpower yourself, say “Yes” to everyone, and everything will be like this -

But in practice, it seems to me, the problem is exactly the opposite - for many people, the mere thought that someone will have to REFUSE becomes uncomfortable. They constantly joke that, they say, “it’s easier to give up than to explain why“ no ”, etc.

In fact, this skill can be mastered. But even more than that, I’ll say that it IS NECESSARY to master it, because if you don’t know how to say “no”, then you will NEVER become a truly free person, fully realize yourself, do what YOU, AND NOT OTHERS, need. You will be doomed to do what DOES NOT concern you, while being angry at others and at yourself, repeating the cherished words of all the compromisers like a mantra: “well, this is definitely the last time ...”

So, let's stop being trouble-free "like a 1891 Mosin rifle" - before you 6 are quite simple ways STRONGLY, CONFIDENTLY and DECISIONLY, but at the same time POLITE, TACTICALLY, and WITHOUT VIOLENCE OVER YOURSELF, say “NO”:

METHOD ONE - DIRECTLY "NO"

The first thing that comes to mind is to directly say “NO” to the interlocutor and explain the reason for the refusal.

In fact, "explaining" is not necessary at all. If you stand and invent " true reason refusal”, then it will be immediately visible - your behavior will look insincere and far-fetched ...

Maybe it's better to just say "no", without writing and lying on the go? A direct, simple “no” is quite self-sufficient, convincing and understandable.

Try this recipe - just don't add anything to your rejection.

Of course, you don't have to be rude. You can use mild terms:

If this is not enough for your interlocutor, he begins to resort to various manipulations, tricks, then you can try to apply the so-called “DAMAGED RECORD TECHNIQUE”, the essence of which is to repeat the same phrase several times - in our case, a short refusal :

Under no circumstances should you respond to provocations! They must be patiently listened to and waited out. Even if one form of “persuasion” replaces another, you cannot ask questions, clarify or object to anything - just listen silently and repeat your “no!”

The considered technique is especially effective in relation to assertive and / or aggressive people, as it deprives them of the opportunity to apply their strength, and, consequently, the opportunity to persuade them further.

METHOD TWO - EMpathetic "NO"

Here is the “softest” answer to the question “ How to politely refuse a person?», main principle which consists in thoughtful, attentive listening to the interlocutor. You need to show that you understand his problems with all your heart, you sympathize. But at the end - add your refusal to fulfill the request.

You can use the following opt-out options:

At the same time, the reason for the refusal can also be left out, especially if your compassion looks convincing enough.

This trick is especially effective with people who want to arouse pity, play on your feelings. And, of course, for those who just wanted attention, sympathy and support...

METHOD THREE - A REASONABLE "NO"

If there is a sufficiently weighty reason for your refusal, then, of course, you can voice it. In this case, you don’t need to be smart - just use this elementary formula: “I can’t do this, because ... (the reason is given below)”

You can also use special refusal methods, for example, the “three reasons” method. The formula of this rather weighty and convincing technique is: “Sorry, but I can’t do this for three reasons ... (these reasons are voiced further)”

The main thing in this technique is not to spray on unnecessary details. It is important that the interlocutor does not get lost in your arguments and captures the very essence of your message.

You can use this technique in both informal and formal settings. It will be especially appropriate in communication with your bosses, older people, etc.

METHOD FOUR - DELAYED "NO"

If the methods described above are too decisive for you, if you are used to automatically agreeing with everything and have completely forgotten how to refuse, the DELAY ANSWER method may suit you. So you will gain time, you can turn to other people for advice how to politely say no to someone etc.

This technique is also well suited for those who are heavily loaded with work (and, accordingly, cannot correctly assess their labor reserves), who doubt themselves excessively, their actions, as well as those who are accustomed to constantly and carefully analyze all their actions.

The essence of the technique is to ask for time to consider the request:

Thus, the soul will not have to bend. You just need to ask for some time out, which will protect you from a lot of rash decisions. Just try not to leave "opponent of maneuver" space for further discussion in this moment time!

Such techniques work great with persistent, assertive people who absolutely do not tolerate any objections.

METHOD FIVE - "NO" AT 50% or COMPROMISE "NO"

Sometimes you would agree to help your interlocutor, but not 100%, right? Then you can offer him to negotiate the terms. But here it is important to be extremely precise - what you will do and what not:

In the event that your opponent is not satisfied with the conditions, then you can safely refuse to help!

METHOD SIX - "NO" IN SMALL OR DIPLOMATIC "NO"

Sometimes you just need to invite your interlocutor to the negotiations. Then it will be convenient to refuse him on certain positions, and it will be much easier to find a mutually acceptable option.

This technique is suitable when you do not have a ready-made solution to the problem, and you would like to find it together: “Come on, I will try to help you in a different way? How - I have not decided yet ... Let's think together?

You can also invite a third party (specialist, expert, your friend and ally) to cooperate ...

HOW TO LEARN THESE TECHNIQUES?

As you can see, if you need politely refuse a person- there are plenty to choose from. But just reading this material is not enough.

Therefore, put them into practice as often as possible so that these useful skills simply become a habit!

The Spanish philosopher Gracian Baltasar once said that "he who belongs to everyone cannot belong to himself."

Think about it. And understand that it is vital to develop the skill described above, since any request cannot be answered in the affirmative - because this WILL LEAD YOU TO A SITUATION in which WILL NOT BE SATISFIED WITH YOUR ACTIONS NONE ! Do you need it?

Often, nothing is easier than say no. Many of us often agree to something or do not know how to normally refuse, and then we face the consequences of our desire to seem comfortable to others. It takes character to say "no" in many situations. However, you need to learn how to do it. So, how to say no and do it as correctly as possible?

I am one of those who often impulsively agree to something, and then suffer myself or make others suffer, because I have already promised something. I was pointed out this feature psychological training in graduate school and later, I myself began to notice such a trait in myself.

If you have more significant plans, then an insignificant request should be rejected so as not to ruin your own daily routine. Do not forget that you have your work tasks, your hobbies and your relatives, who don’t see you very often anyway. Should you go to work for a colleague and whether he will be grateful to you for this.

I once married a colleague to work, but he never replaced me. In the end, I made life easier for another person who was just a colleague to me. I received absolutely nothing in return. I was "trained". Such exploitation should be avoided.

Often we cannot refuse other people simply because we do not have clear priorities and. Develop and then you will be much easier to move towards your goals and it will be more difficult to lead you astray with insignificant requests.

We always have to sacrifice something when you say yes to something. For example, if you agree to attend a fun event, then this evening you are unlikely to have time to work or visit a fitness club.

The strength of character and determination that is needed to learn to refuse other people is a quality that can be developed. And you should always remember that this is your life and you have every right to refuse other people. Before you say yes or no, you need to think about the motives of the person who turned to you with a request. It is possible that they are simply trying to manipulate you.

It is useful to explain your refusal with reason. But “I don’t have time” is very bad argument and most often behind this lies the usual unwillingness to do something.

You give with your hands - you walk with your feet

I once lent money to a friend of mine. So, when he decided to return the money (which is already not bad!), I had to go for my money almost to the other end of the city. I wasted a lot of gas and time.

I also once borrowed some money from my cousin. He did not pick up the phone for a long time and delayed the return. Sometimes it's easier to just say no than to waste your time later. But it's still okay. I also had cases when the money that was borrowed from me was never returned to me.

Refuse confidently, otherwise they will try to convince you and lure you "to the side of evil." Saying "yes" is easy, but dealing with the consequences is a whole story.

Write down every time you agree to something. Also write down when you made a refusal. This kind of fixation on paper will help you be more aware and not say “yes” on autopilot in the future.

How to say no to another person

Don't interrupt the person. Even if you know for sure that you already want to refuse. Show respect for the other person and let them speak fully. Then don't just bounce. It is worth offering alternatives acceptable to you personally that could suit both people. It is also worth saying under what conditions you could agree and why specifically now you are not able to help. Sometimes it is appropriate not to answer immediately, but to consider your answer.

You also need to be able to respond adequately to an attempt to convince you. Often, having said “no” to something, they still convince us. If you sincerely want to refuse, then do not agree to something because of guilt. Be consistent in your words and deeds. You may have to clearly express your refusal several times. To strengthen the persuasiveness of your position, you should think about reasonable arguments. .

It is useful to soften the refusal. For example, tell a person that you understand him, but in this situation you cannot help him. Remember that you don't have to justify yourself to anyone. And at the same time, don't overdo it. If it’s not difficult for you to help and you sincerely want it, then why not lend a helping hand? As a rule, people will be very grateful. It is necessary to act according to the situation and do not forget to think with your own head. Do not let yourself be ridden and manipulated, but you should not become a completely anti-social person who will not lend a helping hand in a difficult moment.

AT modern world the ability to refuse is valuable, as is the ability to help. Having once agreed that it is unpleasant or undesirable to do, a person runs the risk that he will be bothered to fulfill this request repeatedly.

Those who are not ready to make a return gesture will seek help without remorse.

It happens that a person, having a trouble-free comrade nearby, constantly shifts part of his obligations to him. Not everyone can say “no” culturally and competently. Consider the basic phrases that help politely refuse a person without offending him:

1. outright refusal. The method will become an effective refusal of a request to an annoying friend. You should not look for excuses for not fulfilling the request - this will cause doubt in the asker.
2. Sympathetic rejection. This type is suitable for people seeking a feeling of regret with their requests. It would seem that it is impossible to get past the situation, but even here there will be an option to delicately reject the request, saying "I'm sorry, but I can't help."
3. Delayed Rejection. The option will come in handy for people who absolutely cannot say “no”. If for a person, refusal is considered a whole drama, we suggest postponing it for a while.

   The answers “I need to consult”, “I will give an answer later when I return from vacation” can be beautifully refused to arrogant interlocutors.

4. Reasonable Refusal. The essence of this method is to announce real reason. For example, it is necessary to go to the cinema with the child, go to the country to the mother, attend a solemn event.

   This type is suitable for refusing to meet, while for persuasiveness it is desirable to name 2-3 reasons.

5. Diplomatic refusal. The method is suitable for polite, reserved people who offer an alternative in return. Correctly refuse with the phrase "I can not help, but I have a friend who deals with this issue."
6. Compromise refusal. Suitable for people who always help those who ask. Properly offering a compromise, you can turn the situation in your favor.

   If the interlocutor asks to sit with the child all day, answer: "I can sit with the baby, but only from 12 to 17 hours, due to the fact that I already have things planned."

Know that you can't say no to everyone. There will always be people who need the help and location of outsiders. Therefore, it is important to distinguish between those who really need help and those who simply want to shift their circumstances onto the shoulders of another person.

Options for different situations

Quite often it happens that a person has to do what he does not want to do. Situations surround people all the time: colleagues, boss, relatives, children, friends. In such a case, it is important to show confidence, while remaining in a good relationship.

Note! The most common request is for money. Having loaned funds to a person once, you can expect that he will come with a request again.

Psychologists agree that constant reliability is fraught with stress, headaches, and insomnia. The main problem of such people is the reduction of time to satisfy their own needs, as well as the inability to live a personal life, to fulfill their dreams.

Askers appear from everywhere, they cannot be refused or offended, so you have to agree. Consider possible situations and their solutions.

Situation	Decision
Colleague asks for help	Explain to the obsessive employee that employees in the company have a range of their jobs, and doing other things will result in wasted time
Refusal to an unfamiliar person asking for a visit	Justify the refusal, in the absence of a priority of communication with a newly-made interlocutor, feel free to say a categorical “no”
Negative response to relatives	Explain to parents or other family members that your own life has needs
Refusal of requests to superiors	Link to labor contract if the assigned obligations exceed their due amount
Asking for money	Explain the reason for the refusal, and also formulate the correct answer, for example: “I cannot borrow money because I plan to spend a lot of money”

Saying "no" to an obsessive stranger is easy - in this case there is no need to value communication, authority or position. Another thing is to give a negative answer to those with whom you don’t want discord in a relationship. When forming your opt-out, pay attention to the following undesirable actions:

1. Do not look at the interlocutor and speak incomprehensible phrases. Then the opponent will get the impression that the person refuses, looking for all sorts of excuses for refusal.
2. Constantly apologize. If, after a negative answer, remorse will torment you, you should not show this to your interlocutor. So you will contribute to his conclusions about guilt.
3. Talk too much. Such a move may arouse suspicion that a person is being deceived, trying to tell him a lie.
4. Operate with a large number of arguments. Maximum - 2 reasons for refusal, otherwise it will give the impression that other arguments were thought out on the go.
5. Promise too good an alternative. Rid your opponent of false hope. If a good alternative is not expected, it is better to refuse immediately.

There is always a partial failure option - good way, if you do not want to spoil relations with a person. It implies putting forward its own conditions, which the opponent must accept in order to reach a consensus.

Important! Do not promise a person golden options if you cannot fulfill the request - this will worsen your reputation, bring discord in communication, spoil your authority.

A correct, polite refusal is the key to a long-term calm relationship. Learn to do it right and only when you really can't help the person.

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