Many people come across obsessive people - they are usually benevolent, but very persistently want something from us. The Village understands how to politely refuse such people if the fulfillment of their unexpected requests and demands is not included in your plans.
Denis Lunev
psychologist, business coach
The most famous way to solve this problem is called "I-message". This type of communication is used to express one's attitude to a person and to a situation without getting personal. Take several consecutive steps.
Step one: describe the situation as you see it. For example, "When they call me 20 times a day ..." or "When they expect me to do something that I cannot give ...". At this stage, the pronoun "you" should not sound.
The second step is a story about your feelings, emotions, experiences about what you said in the first step. For example, "I feel terribly upset," or "I feel guilty," or "I feel very uncomfortable."
The third step is a story about your desires: “I don’t want to ever pick up the phone again”, “I want peace and quiet”, “I want to hide”.
If the first three steps are taken sincerely, kindly, but directly, then they will have the proper effect and prepare your counterpart for the fourth message - a specific proposal. So, the last step: "... therefore, I ask you to call no more than once every two days" or "... please, do not give me more gifts."
It is important throughout the conversation to talk only about yourself, your feelings and your reactions. Then you will not hurt your partner, but at the same time you will clearly make it clear your attitude and your desires.
Tatyana Weiser
Lecturer in Philosophy and Ethics, Faculty of Philosophy and Sociology, RANEPA
Obsessive people may have a dulled sense of boundaries: they may not recognize you as a value in itself, but simply pour their feelings and thoughts outward, using you as a free resource of attention. You must realize that your time and living space belongs primarily to you and you have the primary right to dispose of them. Being imposed, the person seems to be telling you: "I will manage your time, space and attention more than I will let you do it yourself." There is no reason to give him such a right.
Besides, obsessive people they can hardly imagine themselves in your place in a similar situation, and if they were in it, then they might not like it. For example, they would not want to waste time on something that is uninteresting or seems pointless. Do not keep their illusions on this score.
More often than not, obsessive people feel like you can't refuse them. And you cannot refuse them, because you are not quite sure that this should be done, and you are afraid of offending someone. You need to be clear about your values and goals in life. If you have defined them for yourself, you understand that time is a rather limited resource. You can spend it on nonsense, or you can manage to implement projects that are significant to you. When you realize your own and others' boundaries and learn to appreciate this living space, everything will work out by itself. You will express yourself more confidently, and cute and obsessive will feel in you enough strength of mind and will to bypass.
There are also simple rhetorical devices - to say in a polite, calm and confident tone: “Sorry, I don’t have time to talk now”, “Sorry, I’m busy with important business now”, “Thank you, we do not need your services”, “Sorry, I not interested in this topic”, “Unfortunately, this format / mode of communication does not suit me.” And sometimes it is useful to simply stop responding to expressed communicative acts, for example, to stop correspondence or not answering phone calls, so that the person stops seeing you as a potential addressee.
Illustration: Olya Volk
Often, nothing is easier than say no. Many of us often agree to something or do not know how to normally refuse, and then we face the consequences of our desire to seem comfortable to others. It takes character to say "no" in many situations. However, you need to learn how to do it. So, how to say no and do it as correctly as possible?
I am one of those who often impulsively agree to something, and then suffer myself or make others suffer, because I have already promised something. I was pointed out this feature psychological training in graduate school and later, I myself began to notice such a trait in myself.
If you have more significant plans, then an insignificant request should be rejected so as not to ruin your own daily routine. Do not forget that you have your work tasks, your hobbies and your relatives, who don’t see you very often anyway. Should you go to work for a colleague and whether he will be grateful to you for this.
I once married a colleague to work, but he never replaced me. In the end, I made life easier for another person who was just a colleague to me. I received absolutely nothing in return. I was "trained". Such exploitation should be avoided.
Often we cannot refuse other people simply because we do not have clear priorities and. Develop and then you will be much easier to move towards your goals and it will be more difficult to lead you astray with insignificant requests.
We always have to sacrifice something when you say yes to something. For example, if you agree to attend a fun event, then this evening you are unlikely to have time to work or visit a fitness club.
The strength of character and determination that is needed to learn to refuse other people is a quality that can be developed. And you should always remember that this is your life and you have every right to refuse other people. Before you say yes or no, you need to think about the motives of the person who turned to you with a request. It is possible that they are simply trying to manipulate you.
It is useful to explain your refusal with reason. But “I don’t have time” is very bad argument and most often behind this lies the usual unwillingness to do something.
You give with your hands - you walk with your feet
I once lent money to a friend of mine. So, when he decided to return the money (which is already not bad!), I had to go for my money almost to the other end of the city. I wasted a lot of gas and time.
I also once borrowed some money from my cousin. He did not pick up the phone for a long time and delayed the return. Sometimes it's easier to just say no than to waste your time later. But it's still okay. I also had cases when the money that was borrowed from me was never returned to me.
Refuse confidently, otherwise they will try to convince you and lure you "to the side of evil." Saying "yes" is easy, but dealing with the consequences is a whole story.
Write down every time you agree to something. Also write down when you made a refusal. This kind of fixation on paper will help you be more aware and not say “yes” on autopilot in the future.
How to say no to another person
Don't interrupt the person. Even if you know for sure that you already want to refuse. Show respect for the other person and let them speak fully. Then don't just bounce. It is worth offering alternatives acceptable to you personally that could suit both people. It is also worth saying under what conditions you could agree and why specifically now you are not able to help. Sometimes it is appropriate not to answer immediately, but to consider your answer.
You also need to be able to respond adequately to an attempt to convince you. Often, having said “no” to something, they still convince us. If you sincerely want to refuse, then do not agree to something because of guilt. Be consistent in your words and deeds. You may have to clearly express your refusal several times. To strengthen the persuasiveness of your position, you should think about reasonable arguments. .
It is useful to soften the refusal. For example, tell a person that you understand him, but in this situation you cannot help him. Remember that you don't have to justify yourself to anyone. And at the same time, don't overdo it. If it’s not difficult for you to help and you sincerely want it, then why not lend a helping hand? As a rule, people will be very grateful. It is necessary to act according to the situation and do not forget to think with your own head. Do not let yourself be ridden and manipulated, but you should not become a completely anti-social person who will not lend a helping hand in a difficult moment.
There are many people in the world who are called trouble-free. You can turn to them at any time of the day for help, and they will never refuse. This property of their character is attributed by many to the virtues of a person, because it is beneficial to always “have at hand” such a “failsafe” in order to throw some of their problems onto him.
However, rarely does anyone take the trouble to think: maybe a person simply cannot refuse?
People who can't say no often don't have enough time for their own affairs and personal lives, although as a thank you for their dependability, they can count on a dubious compliment at best.
A vivid example of a trouble-free person and what the inability to refuse leads to is the old film "Autumn Marathon" with Oleg Basilashvili in leading role. The hero of the film is not young, but he never learned to refuse and live the way he wants. His life has almost passed, but he never took place as a person, because he always lived the way others wanted.
Reliable people always, like a magnet, attract people who actively use their inability to refuse. We can say that the executioner is looking for a victim, and the victim of the executioner. And even if the “failsafe” suddenly rebels and refuses the role of a lifesaver, he will immediately be accused of terry selfishness and heartlessness.
There are golden words that everyone should remember: “To live the way you yourself want is not selfishness. Selfishness is when others have to think and live the way you want.
Why are people afraid to say "no"?
People who fulfill other people's requests against their will, most often have a soft and indecisive character. In their hearts, they really want to say “no”, but they are so afraid of embarrassing or offending another person with a refusal that they force themselves to do something that they don’t like at all.
So many people later regret that they once wanted to, but could not say no.
Often people, when refusing, say the word “no” as if they feel guilty about something - it seems to them that some kind of unpleasant reaction will follow. And indeed, many are not used to being refused, and “no” causes a negative reaction in them - they are rude, break off relations, etc.
Some people do not say "no" because of the fear of becoming unwanted and alone.
How to politely refuse?
When we say no, we often make enemies. However, it is worth remembering what is more important for us - to offend someone with a refusal or to take on the fulfillment of burdensome obligations. Moreover, it is not at all necessary to refuse in a rude form. For example, the same diplomats try not to say "yes" or "no", replacing them with the words "Let's discuss it."
When saying "no", it is worth remembering that:
- this word can protect against problems;
- can mean "yes" if pronounced uncertainly;
- successful people say “no” more often than “yes”;
- by denying what we cannot or do not want to do, we will feel like a winner.
There are several simple ways polite refusal, which show that this task is within the power of everyone.
1. Outright refusal
Some people believe that when refusing something, it is imperative to state the reason for the refusal. it misconception. First, explanations will look like excuses, and excuses will give the asker hope that you can change your mind. Secondly, it is not always possible to name the real reason for the refusal. If you invent it, in the future the lie can be exposed and put both in an awkward position. In addition, a person who speaks insincere often gives himself away with facial expressions and voice.
Therefore, it is better not to fantasize, but simply say “no” without adding anything else. You can soften the rejection by saying: “No, I can’t do it”, “I don’t want to do this”, “I don’t have time for this”.
If a person ignores these words and continues to insist, you can use the “broken record” method, repeating the same words of refusal after each of his tirade. No need to interrupt the speaker with objections and ask questions - just say “no”.
This method is suitable for refusing people who are aggressive and overly persistent.
2. Sympathetic rejection
This technique is suitable for refusing people who tend to get their own requests, causing pity and sympathy. In this case, it is worth showing them that you empathize, but cannot help in any way.
For example, "I'm sorry, but I can't help you." Or “I see that it’s not easy for you, but I can’t solve your problem.”
3. Reasonable refusal
This is a rather polite refusal and can be used in any setting - formal and informal. It is also suitable for refusal to older people, and for refusal to people occupying a higher position on the career ladder.
This denial assumes what you call real reason, according to which you cannot fulfill the request: “I can’t do this, because tomorrow I’m going to the theater with my child,” etc.
It will be even more convincing if you name not one reason, but three. This technique is called failure for three reasons. The main thing in its application is the brevity of the wording so that the asker quickly catches the essence.
4. Delayed rejection
This method can be used by people for whom refusing someone's request is a psychological drama, and they almost automatically agree to any request. People of such a warehouse often doubt their innocence and tend to endlessly analyze their actions.
Delayed rejection allows you to think about the situation, and if necessary, seek advice from friends. Its essence is not to say "no" immediately, but to ask for time to make a decision. Thus, you can insure yourself against rash steps.
A reasoned denial might look like this: “I can't answer right now because I don't remember my plans for the weekend. Perhaps I arranged to meet someone. I need to look at my weekly to be sure.” Or “I need to consult at home”, “I need to think. I'll tell you later" etc.
You can refuse in this way to people who are assertive and do not tolerate objections.
5. Compromise refusal
Such a refusal can be called a half refusal, because we want to help a person, but not completely, but partially, and not on his terms, which seem unrealistic to us, but on our own. In this case, it is necessary to clearly define the conditions for assistance - what and when we can and what not.
For example, "I can take your child to school with mine, but only have it ready by eight o'clock." Or "I can help you do the repairs, but only on Saturdays."
If such conditions do not suit the applicant, then we have the right to refuse with a calm soul.
6. Diplomatic refusal
It involves a mutual search for an acceptable solution. We refuse to do what we do not want or cannot do, but together with the person who asks, we are looking for a solution to the problem.
For example, "I can't help you, but I have a friend who deals with these issues." Or “Perhaps I can help you in some other way?”.
In response to examples of various refusal techniques, one can object that it is necessary to help people and that, by refusing others, we ourselves risk being in difficult situation when we have nothing to rely on someone's help. notice, that we are talking only about the requests of people who are used to "playing with one goal", who believe that everyone is indebted to them and abuse the reliability of other people.
A polite refusal, drawn up taking into account psychological subtleties, will allow you to say “no” in such a way that the addressee will not only not be offended, but will also strengthen his desire for further cooperation.
From the article you will learn:
When and how polite opt-out forms are used
Knowing how to use polite forms of refusal when you cannot fulfill someone's request will always come in handy. Of course, in the workplace where you perform your professional duties, it is much less likely to fail. This is due to the ethics of business relationships, when both requests and the obligation to fulfill them are strictly regulated job descriptions and the one who makes the request, and the one to whom it is addressed.
However, circumstances may develop in such a way that you will have a certain freedom of choice. Most often, these are just such requests and proposals from colleagues which just go beyond the established regulations. But in some situations, a polite refusal may be required, even when the request is related to the fulfillment of what is included in your functionality, but due to the workload, you cannot fulfill it.
In any case, a one-word "no" answer is out of the question. You should use polite refusal forms so as not to spoil the relationship with a colleague or leader and, at the same time, make it clear that such requests should not be made to you in the future.
Psychologists advise using such simple but effective polite forms of refusal as:
- Delayed decision- ask for time to think about the request, promise to let you know if you can fulfill it after, for example, checking your diary and business plan;
- Explain why you will not be able to comply with the request- although you are not obliged to give explanations (if this is not a direct order from the head);
- Anticipate the Request- if you assume that a request will follow, complain to the interlocutor before he expresses it, about how you are loaded;
- Promise that next time you will fulfill the request- this option of a polite form of refusal still does not oblige you to say “yes” next time, especially when supplementing it with the condition “in case I have free time»;
- “Mirror” the request of the interlocutor with your refusal- repeat those phrases with which the interlocutor is trying to convince you to fulfill his request, showing friendly participation and looking into the eyes of your counterpart.
EXAMPLE
An example of a polite refusal in a "mirror" form:
You: "Unfortunately, I won't be able to help you with the report after lunch."
Colleague: "I need to do it today."
You: "Yes, I know you have to turn in your report today, but I won't have time to help you."
Colleague: "But today is the last day for submitting reports."
You: “Yes, today is the deadline, but I am busy in the afternoon and will not be able to participate in the preparation of the report.”
A polite refusal can be used in a relationship with a direct supervisor or director. If, for example, he tries to load you with overtime work for the umpteenth time, try explaining that the greater the load, the less your productivity. Explain to him that working time you will be able to perform assigned tasks according to their priority.
There are many people in the world who are called trouble-free. You can turn to them at any time of the day for help, and they will never refuse. This property of their character is attributed by many to the virtues of a person, because it is beneficial to always “have at hand” such a “failsafe” in order to throw some of their problems onto him.
However, rarely does anyone take the trouble to think: maybe a person simply cannot refuse?
People who can't say no often don't have enough time for their own affairs and personal lives, although as a thank you for their dependability, they can count on a dubious compliment at best.
Reliable people always, like a magnet, attract people who actively use their inability to refuse. We can say that the executioner is looking for a victim, and the victim of the executioner. And even if the “failsafe” suddenly rebels and refuses the role of a lifesaver, he will immediately be accused of terry selfishness and heartlessness.
There are golden words that everyone should remember: “To live the way you yourself want is not selfishness. Selfishness is when others have to think and live the way you want.
Why are people afraid to say "no"?
People who fulfill other people's requests against their will, most often have a soft and indecisive character. In their hearts, they really want to say “no”, but they are so afraid of embarrassing or offending another person with a refusal that they force themselves to do something that they don’t like at all.
So many people later regret that they once wanted to, but could not say no.
Often people, when refusing, say the word “no” as if they feel guilty about something - it seems to them that some kind of unpleasant reaction will follow. And indeed, many are not used to being refused, and “no” causes a negative reaction in them - they are rude, break off relations, etc.
Some people do not say "no" because of the fear of becoming unwanted and alone.
How to politely refuse?
When we say no, we often make enemies. However, it is worth remembering what is more important for us - to offend someone with a refusal or to take on the fulfillment of burdensome obligations. Moreover, it is not at all necessary to refuse in a rude form. For example, the same diplomats try not to say "yes" or "no", replacing them with the words "Let's discuss it."
When saying "no", it is worth remembering that:
this word can protect against problems;
can mean "yes" if pronounced uncertainly;
successful people say “no” more often than “yes”;
by denying what we cannot or do not want to do, we will feel like a winner.
There are several simple ways to politely decline, which show that this task is within the power of anyone.
1. Outright refusal
Some people believe that when refusing something, it is imperative to state the reason for the refusal. This is an erroneous opinion. First, explanations will look like excuses, and excuses will give the asker hope that you can change your mind. Secondly, it is not always possible to name the real reason for the refusal. If you invent it, in the future the lie can be exposed and put both in an awkward position. In addition, a person who speaks insincere often gives himself away with facial expressions and voice.
Therefore, it is better not to fantasize, but simply say “no” without adding anything else. You can soften the rejection by saying: “No, I can’t do it”, “I don’t want to do this”, “I don’t have time for this”.
If a person ignores these words and continues to insist, you can use the “broken record” method, repeating the same words of refusal after each of his tirade. No need to interrupt the speaker with objections and ask questions - just say “no”.
This method is suitable for refusing people who are aggressive and overly persistent.
2. Sympathetic rejection
This technique is suitable for refusing people who tend to get their own requests, causing pity and sympathy. In this case, it is worth showing them that you empathize, but cannot help in any way.
For example, "I'm sorry, but I can't help you." Or “I see that it’s not easy for you, but I can’t solve your problem.”
3. Reasonable refusal
This is a rather polite refusal and can be used in any setting - formal and informal. It is also suitable for refusal to older people, and for refusal to people occupying a higher position on the career ladder.
This refusal assumes that you name the real reason why you cannot fulfill the request: “I can’t do this, because tomorrow I’m going to the theater with my child,” etc.
It will be even more convincing if you name not one reason, but three. This technique is called failure for three reasons. The main thing in its application is the brevity of the wording so that the asker quickly catches the essence.
4. Delayed rejection
This method can be used by people for whom refusing someone's request is a psychological drama, and they almost automatically agree to any request. People of such a warehouse often doubt their innocence and tend to endlessly analyze their actions.
Delayed rejection allows you to think about the situation, and if necessary, seek advice from friends. Its essence is not to say "no" immediately, but to ask for time to make a decision. Thus, you can insure yourself against rash steps.
A reasoned denial might look like this: “I can't answer right now because I don't remember my plans for the weekend. Perhaps I arranged to meet someone. I need to look at my weekly to be sure.” Or “I need to consult at home”, “I need to think. I'll tell you later" etc.
You can refuse in this way to people who are assertive and do not tolerate objections.
5. Compromise refusal
Such a refusal can be called a half refusal, because we want to help a person, but not completely, but partially, and not on his terms, which seem unrealistic to us, but on our own. In this case, it is necessary to clearly define the conditions for assistance - what and when we can and what not.
For example, "I can take your child to school with mine, but only have it ready by eight o'clock." Or "I can help you do the repairs, but only on Saturdays."
If such conditions do not suit the applicant, then we have the right to refuse with a calm soul.
6. Diplomatic refusal
It involves a mutual search for an acceptable solution. We refuse to do what we do not want or cannot do, but together with the person who asks, we are looking for a solution to the problem.
For example, "I can't help you, but I have a friend who deals with these issues." Or “Perhaps I can help you in some other way?”.
In response to examples of various refusal techniques, one can object that it is necessary to help people and that by refusing others, we ourselves risk finding ourselves in a difficult situation where we will have nothing to count on someone else's help. Note that we are talking only about the requests of people who are used to "playing with one goal", who believe that everyone is indebted to them and abuse the reliability of other people.