“Let's take a look at the work that no family can do without, which is usually housework. Although housework is very necessary, useful and indispensable, many have a negative attitude towards it. Although until now, most of the family affairs are represented by housework.
And now I want you to do something similar to what you did when you read the chapter "The Rules You Live By." Everyone sits down and makes a list of the things that the family does to ensure its functioning. Appoint a secretary. Your list should include things like washing clothes, ironing, cooking, shopping, cleaning, keeping bills, paying bills, working outside the home, etc. If a family member needs special care, this should also be mentioned. This is a basic list of household chores that should be done regularly.
Now take a look at your list and see how all these types of work are done. And you will fully see the state of affairs in your family. You may not have even thought about it before.
Don't you find that not all necessary actions are performed in your family? You may find that some types of work are poorly done, or that most of the work falls on the shoulders of one person, while others do almost nothing. If this is true, then, therefore, some members of your family are offended and disappointed.
This simple exercise, if done once every three months, helps to maintain family engineering. In business, you can use special expert for performance evaluation. Your list can be a guide to improving your family's performance.
However, not all so simple. Once you have identified the needs that need to be met, you need to develop a plan and choose the person who would carry it out. This is one of the most difficult tasks.
How will you determine who will do the work and when?
Most families came to the conclusion that different methods are used at different times to resolve this issue.
One of them is the pointing method, where the parent, realizing that he has the right to use his influence as a leader, simply gives an instruction to do something: “It must be done this way and nothing else!”
Sometimes it is more advantageous to use the voting method, it is more democratic. In the end, the majority decides. There is also a method that I call adventurous, but it works the best. With this, a rather democratic method, the point of view of anyone is taken into account, everyone's opinion is discussed, correlated with reality, and then swept aside or accepted.
Sometimes the method of expediency is applied. We all know him.
All of these methods are suitable for certain situations. What is especially important is to choose the right method, the most suitable for a given situation, which, in turn, requires flexibility and freedom of action.
Each method must always be controlled. If there is no constant control, someone will definitely decide that they are not put in anything, and you yourself may not be in the best position ...
Families create unnecessary problems for themselves when they assign the same people to do the same work. John always takes out the trash. Teresa is washing the dishes. Mom is shopping. The diversity and constant change of work roles helps to optimize the functioning of the entire family life.
Another problem is that once a plan is created, it feels like it's written forever. For example, a child should be in bed by 8:30, no matter how old he is, 4 or 14. This illustrates the rules that have absolutely no time limits ...
I am sure that even well-designed plans have their time limits. Let's say they can be approved for one week, one month, one year, until 3.30 today when my mom comes or when I'm five centimeters fatter."
From the book of one of the founders of modern family therapy American Virginia Satir "How to build yourself and your family."
The first part, about cataloging the necessary homework, seems to me quite concrete and doable. But the second, about the "choice of the responsible" - is somewhat abstract. And you?
And did any of you, dear friends, do such a procedure with your household members?
The author of the book, the progressive American psychologist V. Satir, the founder of family counseling, the successor of the humanistic direction in psychology, invites the reader to talk about the problems of family life.
How to learn to love and be loved, how to look at yourself through the eyes of your children, how to make family relationships humane - this is far from full circle questions raised by the author.
After studying the book, you will find out what impression your family makes on others and what it really is. You will understand that communication is not just a conversation, but knowledge. You will map your family, you will have elements of family life projects. Having read exactly Russian edition of this book, you will find an afterword called "The World Begins at Home".
The book is written with sincere love for a person, faith in his creative abilities, with subtle, kind humor. For a wide range readers.
The annotation was made by a student Akovantseva Lyudmila
Chapter 2 Who is the one that no one sees
Chapter 3 The Magic Pattern of Your Self
Chapter 4 How We Speak and How We Listen
Chapter 5 Communication Patterns
Chapter 6 Communication Games
Chapter 7 The rules you live by
Chapter 8 Systems: Open or Closed?
Chapter 9 The Married Couple: Builder Families
Chapter 10 Special Families
Chapter 11 Your Family Map
Chapter 12 Life inside a "can of worms"
Chapter 13 How to Build Your Family
Chapter 14 Elements of a Family Life Project
Chapter 15 Family Engineering, or Everyday life families
Chapter 16 Family in the System family ties
Chapter 17 How to mend relationships with a teenager
Chapter 18 What I Mean By "Spirituality"
Chapter 19 At the end of life
Chapter 20 Family in Society
Chapter 21 At peace with myself and with the whole planet
The world begins at home (Afterword to the Russian edition)
Foreword
I was five years old when I decided that I would definitely become a children's detective. Then I vaguely imagined what this work would be like, but I clearly felt that there is something in the family that is difficult to see right away without delving deeply into the world. human relations, a world full of mysterious mysteries, often hidden from view.
Now, after so many years, having worked with thousands of families, I am convinced that most of these mysteries have not been solved. The work taught me a lot, opened up new opportunities and prospects for further discoveries. Now it is quite clear to me that the family is a microcosm of the whole world. To understand it, it is enough to know the family. Manifestations of power, intimacy, independence, trust, communication skills that exist in it are the key to unraveling many phenomena of life. If we want to change the world, we need to change the family.
Family life is like an iceberg. Most people see only a small surface of it and delude themselves into thinking they see it in its entirety. Some guess that the iceberg is somewhat larger, but do not know what exactly its invisible part is. Not knowing all the intricacies of family life, you can direct it in a dangerous course.
Like the movements of an experienced sailor, who must take into account the shape and size of the hidden part of the iceberg in order for the ship to safely pass on the intended course, the life of the family depends on how much it understands, realizes and takes into account the feelings, needs, intentions, motives and thoughts of each of its members. , and they are often hidden precisely in the underwater part, obscured from us by everyday events, familiar words, actions and deeds.
I sincerely believe that today, when humanity is penetrating into the microcosm of the atom and into the gigantic spaces of intergalactic astronomy, it is possible to make significant progress in understanding an equally important question: what happens when one person communicates and interacts with another? I believe that in a thousand years historians will define our time as the beginning new era when each person becomes truly humane.
I thought for a long time about what humanity is, what kind of person can be called a humanist.
A humanist is, in my opinion, one who understands, appreciates and develops his body, his body, himself, considers himself beautiful and the right people; one who is realistic and honest with himself and others; able to take a conscious and deliberate risk; strives for excellence and competence in the field in which he is engaged, looking for new ways in life and changing the situation, if necessary; he is not afraid of change; ready to give up the habitual, if it is expedient and prevents him and other people from correcting mistakes, if this is harmful.
As a result, a person becomes truly physically healthy, his life is filled with love, kindness, becomes natural, creative, permeated with deep feelings, personal responsibility. He stands firmly on the ground, is able to deeply love, fight difficulties and overcome them. He is equally capable of being gentle and tough, thoughtfully and consciously approaches his actions and, as a result, achieves his intended goals.
In my work with families, I have found that all the successes and failures in raising a new person are associated with four basic psychological phenomena.
Firstly, these are the feelings and thoughts of a person in relation to himself, I call them self-esteem.
Secondly, these are the ways in which people transmit various information to each other, share experiences and thoughts, I call these methods of communication.
Thirdly, these are the rules that people adhere to and follow in their lives. They make up a kind of totality, which I call the family system.
Fourthly, these are the methods by which the family carries out its relations with other social institutions, I call them social relations.
It does not matter what specifically prompted the family to seek psychological help: infidelity of the wife or depression of the husband, deviant, illegal behavior of the son or neurosis in the daughter - it is important that the process of influence in all cases can be identical. To reduce or eliminate family pain, it is necessary to find the key to understanding each of the four phenomena listed above.
With all the variety of problems, a family in pain is always characterized by: low self-esteem, undirected, confused, unclear, largely unrealistic and dishonest communications; rigid, inert, stereotyped, inhumane, unhelpful and unduly life-limiting rules of conduct; social ties, either providing peace in the family, or filled with fear and threat.
I am happy to meet problem-free and mature families; some of them became so after a certain psychological work, which made it possible to reveal their inherent potential.
Mature families are characterized by the following qualities: high self-esteem; immediate, direct, clear and honest communications; the rules in these families are mobile, humane, oriented towards acceptance, and family members are capable of change; social ties are open and full of positive attitudes and hopes.
Such changes in the family occur as a result of painstaking work and mutual interest of all its members.
No matter where the surgeon learns his skill, in any case he is able to operate on every person, since the anatomical structure is basically the same. Working with families, problematic and prosperous on most of the continents of the Earth, I came to the conclusion that in all families:
everyone evaluates themselves in one way or another - positively or negatively, main question- how exactly?
A person communicates, establishes connections with others, the main question is how he does it and what results he achieves in the end.
He follows certain rules in his life, it is important to understand what these rules are and how successfully a person uses them.
All of the above can be found in any family where there are parents who raise children until they become adults, in single-parent families where one parent raises children after the death of the other, divorce or imprisonment, in families with foster children or children from previous marriages in which the parents or one of them is not the birth father or mother of the child. The same is observed in the lives of children brought up in state institutions. Nowadays children grow up in different family structures.
Of course, each of the listed types of families has its own specific features, and we will dwell on them later. However, the same psychological components are basic for family life: self-esteem, communications, rules and social ties.
Relations in the family are those threads, bonds, connections that unite people into a single whole. We will analyze their various components, and I hope this will help you better understand the structure of your family, find ways to renew relationships with loved ones. This will give you the opportunity to experience the joy of working together, of communicating in your “family team”.
As you read this book, you will sometimes be asked to do some exercises that will give you the knowledge of how you should act in a given situation when communicating with other people. I ask you to try to complete all the suggested exercises, even if they seem primitive and stupid to you. Doing them will help you ensure that the situation in your family becomes less anxious and more psychologically mature. The more family members who participate in this work, the greater your success will be. You know perfectly well that it is difficult to learn to swim standing on the shore, you can learn to swim only on the water.
If you are not sure that your family members will agree to work with you, I can advise you to feel in your heart what exactly you would like to ask them for, and make your request very simple and very direct. If you are truly determined to work together and believe that it will bring results, then the request will sound very attractive, and your loved ones will want to help you. Ask them: “Would you like to participate with me in an experiment that might be interesting and useful for us?” - such a question will set them up for a positive decision as much as possible.
Remember that threats, demands, orders always lead to the opposite of what we want.
I watched a lot of tragedies that happened in different families. Each of them deeply touched me, penetrated into the soul. With the help of this book, I want to ease the pain of those families that I will never be able to meet. Moreover, I hope to prevent the difficulties that may await our children in the future. Of course, one cannot completely exclude pain from human life. There are two types of it: one - associated with the awareness of the problem; the second, which we experience when we are suppressed or blamed. And if the first pain cannot be avoided, then the second one in our life may not be. We can direct our efforts towards correcting what is changeable and finding best ways coexistence with what cannot be changed.
Lord, give me the patience to accept what I cannot change, Give me the strength to change what I can change, And give me the wisdom to learn to distinguish one from the other.Reynopd Neighborough
You better not say it. While reading this book, maybe you will experience both pains, remember something unpleasant, sad or difficult. New knowledge about yourself and how to take responsibility on your shoulders will surely bring difficult and difficult experiences.
However, if, when you close the book, you discover new possibilities and strengths in yourself and see new paths that your family can take, I believe that the task will be completed.
Chapter 1. What does your family look like?
How well do you live now in your family? In those families with whom I had to work, this issue was almost never raised. Living together, people take for granted that everyone is happy. If there is no obvious conflict in the family, it is assumed that everyone is satisfied with the current situation. I think that many of the family members do not even dare to ask themselves this question. They put up with a life that seems more or less successful to them, and do not assume that the family situation can be changed at all.
Do you feel like you are living with friends, with people you like and respect, with people who respect and love you? This question usually causes bewilderment: "Hmm ... I never thought about it, this is my own family" - as if family members are somehow different from all other people!
Is it interesting and pleasant to be a member of your family? Indeed, there are many families whose members believe that life in their home is more pleasant and more interesting than anywhere else. But many people long years, day after day live in families that are unpleasant to them. Such people perceive their family as a battlefield or an unbearable, heavy burden.
If you answer “Yes” to all three questions, then I am sure that your family can be called mature and harmonious. If you answered “No” or “Not always”, you most likely live in a family that has certain difficulties and problems. This does not mean that your family is bad. This only says that your family members are not very happy and have not learned to truly love and appreciate each other.
Having met hundreds of families, I realized that there are, as it were, two types of families: a mature family and a problem family. Each mature family lives its own special and unique life, although you can find a lot in common in how relationships are built in such families. Problem families, regardless of the nature of the problems, also have a lot in common in their lives. Therefore, I would like to offer you some generalized description of each of these two types of families. Of course, these generalizations cannot reflect all the specific features of the life of each family, but it is possible that in some of the descriptions you will more or less accurately see something that will remind you of your own family life.
But if one of the forty thousand or five hundred people who died is your wife, husband, child, parent, or close friend? Your attitude changes, what happened becomes your own grief, it cannot leave you indifferent. Then you become active and make every effort to do something, to change something.
How can we make sure that we learn to perceive other people's misfortunes as our own, even if none of our loved ones was hurt? If the statistics of human casualties are not numbers, but the names of people, each of whom dreamed of something, aspired to something, was someone's father, mother, sister, brother, spouse or friend, who felt, breathed, thought , repaired the car, cultivated the land, screamed in pain, laughed with joy - will we really remain indifferent then?
Today, perhaps, trouble has passed by, but what awaits us tomorrow? We are gradually beginning to realize that change must begin with each individual, with each family. In the family, we can learn to treat ourselves with love and respect, and this will inevitably affect our relationships with other people. As I have already said, if a person feels the vital force in himself, then he will never destroy it either in himself or in others.
In other words, people who truly respect and value themselves, communicating with others, sow the seeds of kindness, love and respect. They direct their energy to creating favorable conditions for the development of other people.
There has not yet been a society on Earth whose main and paramount value was man. We are the first to try to live like this. To do this, you need to know how to stop wars and establish universal peace. Each of us can try to do this.
People of all nationalities are interconnected. A huge network is stretched between representatives of different nations, through which the energy of five billion souls constantly flows. The health of our planet depends on this energy.
I believe that the quality of such an energy exchange is strongly related to how much a society values its citizens and how much they respect themselves.
I recently saw a poster that said, "The world starts with me." When even one person begins to live in harmony with himself and the world around him, we can assume that changes have begun. When I live in peace and harmony with myself, it has a beneficial effect on others.
If we were all brought up according to the principles that I listed above, peace on our Earth would be ensured.
My idea is simple and logical. If children are brought up in peaceful conditions and see adults as models of harmony, then in the future they will grow up as peace-loving people who, in turn, will fight for peace on Earth.
Conclusion
The world starts at home.
Afterword to the Russian edition
You have just turned the last page of Virginia Satir's book. I am sure that this reading deeply touched your feelings, helped you take a fresh look at loved ones, and aroused interesting thoughts. Many will probably want to re-read some chapters, separate places more carefully, someone will feel that they will return to its pages again and again in search of answers to difficult and sometimes painful questions that our personal, family life poses to each of us. . For the reader, who has taken the book not only with the mind, but also with the heart, it will help to solve many mysteries of family communication. And this is no coincidence. V. Satir's book is a special book, written by an outstanding psychotherapist. Every moment of her life is filled with the desire to help people who experience “family pain”.
Through a lifetime scientific activity, psychotherapeutic practice V. Satir carried a deep belief that a person always has a chance to change.
The book "How to Build Yourself and Your Family" was first published in 1972 in the United States and has since conquered the whole world. It has been published several times in 12 languages and is set in Braille so that visually impaired people can read it.
The whole book is a brilliant psychotherapeutic session, a dialogue that Virginia Satir has with anyone who wants to hear it. For those who will return to this book and learn it actively, performing the exercises developed by the author, it will certainly have a magical effect. And then a miracle will happen: happiness will come to your family, life will be filled with joy, care, kindness.
Virginia Satir does not need an intermediary for a confidential conversation with readers. However, perhaps someone will want to know more about the life and work of V. Satir, about the place her works occupy in world psychotherapy, because the acquaintance of the Soviet reader with her work is just beginning.
The opportunity to write a few words about Virginia Satir is both an honorable duty and a moral duty, since the psychologists who participated in the preparation of this book for publication belong to that small group of people who were fortunate enough to get to know Virginia Satir closely during her stay in our country in the spring of 1988 of the year. We did not know then, just as Virginia Satir herself did not know, that in two months a severe and swift illness would end her life.
Before last days Virginia Satir retained a youthful spirit, courage in the perception of life and death, a great capacity for work, and a tireless inquisitive interest in people. Her stay in the USSR, her work with Soviet psychologists became an event in the history of our psychotherapy, a personal event in the lives of those who met her.
Virginia Satir was born in 1916 in Wisconsin, USA. She received a bachelor's degree from the state university and at the age of twenty she began working as a school teacher and then as a school principal. She received her master's degree in psychology six years later from the University of Chicago. Since that time, Virginia Satir began to engage in private psychotherapeutic practice, from 1955 to 1958 she took part in a research program to study the psychology of the family state institution psychiatry in Illinois.
The worldwide fame of the creator of his own scientific school brought her the development of a fundamentally new direction in psychotherapy. These are studies conducted in California, in the city of Palo Alto, at the California Psychological Research Institute, which she organized with her students. Since 1973, V. Satir has been a professor at the Universities of Wisconsin, Chicago and several others.
Virginia Satir became one of the founders in the development of problems in family psychology and family therapy after the publication in 1964 of her fundamental work "Joint Family Therapy". This book went through a huge number of reprints in different languages. The concept of family therapy developed by A. Satir is today fundamental for practicing psychologists all over the world, and her books have become an indispensable textbook for family psychotherapists.
The main themes of reflection, theoretical research and psychotherapeutic practice of Virginia Satir are embodied in her books. She was interested in the study of real and imaginary psychological contact in the family between close people (“Building a Contact”, 1976), the psychological role and importance of self-attitude for personality development, ways of its positive formation and change (“Self-Value”, 1975), the psychology of family roles and family communications (“Your Many Faces”, 1978).
Satir was a brilliant popularizer of family therapy, humanistic ideas and humanistic practice in building family relations.
Many psychotherapists who knew her work well especially admired her unique ability to present to the general public the intimate and secret that goes on in family life and family psychotherapy, without violating either the depth or subtlety of these amazing phenomena. V. Satir clearly understood that the improvement of family life cannot take place only with the help of a psychotherapist, in the silence of his office. She believed that people can change a lot in their lives on their own; she saw her professional task in helping people gain confidence in their abilities and show the directions in which they can go in their work of self-improvement. She devoted herself to this task both writing popular science books and creating special psychotherapeutic sessions designed for a large audience. These psychotherapeutic programs of hers became widely known not only in the United States, but also in all countries visited by Virginia Satir. Her demonstrations were distinguished by simplicity and clarity in showing the psychological essence of the most complex family problems, and she herself literally conquered the participants of the session with her amazing artistry, the gift of reincarnation. Satyr instantly transformed into a tyrant husband, a child who lost the ground under his feet, or a wife, always tired, in a hurry and fussy. She involved everyone present in the game, offering a series of psychological sculptures, games and exercises that she developed. Absolutely amazing was her ability to instantly connect with people. different ages, different experience and mental warehouse deep psychological contact. During her sessions, people seemed to be born again, discarding everything petty and vain, realizing their uniqueness and originality.
V. Satir admired another remarkable property - her amazing openness and desire to pass on all her psychotherapeutic experience to others, she left many students and followers. She has become a recognized leader in the creation of educational programs for psychotherapists, the author of original textbooks and practical guides for specialists. In 1977, she founded the international public organization"Avanta", which brought together professional psychologists, social workers, psychotherapists, teachers, doctors in order to develop and promote family therapy.
Today, when our society is looking for ways to overcome the moral crisis that arose as a result of the theory and practice of educating people-cogs, ignoring the psychological significance and complexity of family relationships, the study and popularization of the fundamental ideas of humanistic psychology is one of the most urgent tasks. Therefore, the publication of the book by V. Satir in our country is more timely than ever.
Virginia Satir wrote: “I believe that every person can find the best ways to build their lives. The most perfect ways of life and interaction of close people with each other in the family should become common and everyday for all people on Earth. If this happens, then each of us will make the most important contribution to building a stronger and more perfect society. As a result, every perfect and harmonious family helps each of us to live, because peace on our planet begins at home.”
BUT. FROM. Spivakovskaya
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Doctor of Psychology
BUT. FROM. Spivakovskaya
Translators: £ IN. Novikov, M. BUT. Makarushkina
SatyrIN.
From 21 How to build yourself and your family: Per. from English: improve. ed - M: Pedagogy-Press, 1992. - 192 p: ill.
ISBN 5-7155-0284-5(CCCP) ISBN 5-7155-0031-5(USA)
The author of the book is the progressive American psychologist V. Satir, the founder of family counseling, the successor of the humanistic direction in psychology, invites the reader to talk about the problems of family life
How to teach to love and be loved, how to look at yourself through the eyes of your children, how to make family relationships humane - this is not a complete range of issues raised by the author. The book is written with sincere love for a person, faith in his creative abilities, with subtle and kind humor.
For a wide range of readers „ 4312000000-063,
005(01)-92
- 83-91
BBC 88.5
ISBN 5-7155-0284-5(CCCP) ISBN 5-7155-0031-5(USA)
© 1988 by Science and Behavior Books, Inc.
© Translation, afterword, artwork,
publishing house "Pedagogy-Press", 1992
Satyr V. 1
How to build yourself and your family 1
Preface 2
Chapter 1. What does your family look like? 4
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4 How We Speak and How We Listen 13
Chapter 5 Communication Patterns 21
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8 Systems: Open or Closed? 35
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11 Your Family Map 49
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14. Elements of a Family Life Project 65
Chapter 15
Chapter 16
Chapter 17
Chapter 18
Chapter 19
Chapter 20
Chapter 21
The world starts at home. (Afterword to the Russian edition) 96
Foreword
I was five years old when I decided that I would definitely become a children's detective. Then I vaguely imagined what this work would be like, but I distinctly felt that there was something in the family that was hard to see right away without delving deeply into the world of human relations, a world full of mysterious mysteries, often hidden from view.
Now, after so many years, having worked with thousands of families, I am convinced that most of these mysteries have not been solved. The work taught me a lot, opened up new opportunities and prospects for further discoveries. Now it is quite clear to me that the family is a microcosm of the whole world. To understand it, it is enough to know the family. Manifestations of power, intimacy, independence, trust, communication skills that exist in it are the key to unraveling many phenomena of life. If we want to change the world, we need to change the family.
Family life is like an iceberg. Most people see only a small surface of it and delude themselves into thinking they see it in its entirety. Some guess that the iceberg is somewhat larger, but do not know what exactly its invisible part is. Not knowing all the intricacies of family life, you can direct it in a dangerous course.
Like the movements of an experienced sailor, who must take into account the shape and size of the hidden part of the iceberg in order for the ship to safely pass on the intended course, the life of the family depends on how much it understands, realizes and takes into account the feelings, needs, intentions, motives and thoughts of each of its members. , and they are often hidden precisely in the underwater part, obscured from us by everyday events, familiar words, actions and deeds.
I sincerely believe that today, when humanity is penetrating into the microcosm of the atom and into the gigantic spaces of intergalactic astronomy, it is possible to make significant progress in understanding an equally important question: what happens when one person communicates and interacts with another? I believe that in a thousand years, historians will define our time as the beginning of a new era, when every person becomes truly humane.
I thought for a long time about what humanity is, what kind of person can be called a humanist. A humanist is, in my opinion, one who understands, appreciates and develops his body, his body, himself, considers himself beautiful and necessary to people; one who is realistic and honest with himself and others; able to take a conscious and deliberate risk; strives for excellence and competence in the field in which he is engaged, looking for new ways in life and changing the situation, if necessary; he is not afraid of change; ready to give up the habitual, if it is expedient and prevents him and other people from correcting mistakes, if this is harmful.
As a result, a person becomes truly physically healthy, his life is filled with love, kindness, becomes natural, creative, permeated with deep feelings, personal responsibility. He stands firmly on the ground, is able to deeply love, fight difficulties and overcome them. He is equally capable of being gentle and tough, thoughtfully and consciously approaches his actions and, as a result, achieves his intended goals.
In my work with families, I have found that all the successes and failures in raising a new person are associated with four basic psychological phenomena.
Firstly, these are the feelings and thoughts of a person in relation to himself, I call them self-esteem.
Secondly, these are the ways in which people transmit various information to each other, share experiences and thoughts, I call these methods of communication.
Thirdly, these are the rules that people adhere to and follow in their lives. They make up a kind of totality, which I call the family system.
Fourthly, these are the methods by which the family carries out its relations with other social institutions, I call them social relations.
It doesn’t matter what specifically prompted the family to turn to a specialist for psychological help: the wife’s infidelity or the husband’s depression, the deviant, illegal behavior of the son or the daughter’s neurosis - the important thing is that the process of influence in all cases can be identical. To reduce or eliminate family pain, it is necessary to find the key to understanding each of the four phenomena listed above.
With all the variety of problems, a family in pain is always characterized by: low self-esteem, undirected, confused, unclear, largely unrealistic and dishonest communications; rigid, inert, stereotyped, inhumane, unhelpful and unduly life-limiting rules of conduct; social ties, either providing peace in the family, or filled with fear and threat.
I happily meet problem-free and mature families; some of them became so after a certain psychological work, which made it possible to reveal their inherent potential. Mature families are characterized by the following qualities: high self-esteem; immediate, direct, clear and honest communications; the rules in these families are mobile, humane, oriented towards acceptance, and family members are capable of change; social ties are open and full of positive attitudes and hopes.
Such changes in the family occur as a result of painstaking work and mutual interest of all its members.
No matter where the surgeon learns his skill, in any case he is able to operate on every person, since the anatomical structure is basically the same. Working with families, problematic and prosperous on most of the continents of the Earth, I came to the conclusion that in all families: everyone evaluates themselves in one way or another - positively or negatively, the main question is how exactly?
A person communicates, establishes connections with others, the main question is how he does it and what results he achieves in the end.
He follows certain rules in his life, it is important to understand what these rules are and how successfully a person uses them.
All of the above can be found in any family where there are parents who raise children until they become adults, in single-parent families where one parent raises children after the death of the other, divorce or imprisonment, in families with foster children or children from previous marriages in which the parents or one of them is not the birth father or mother of the child. The same is observed in the lives of children brought up in state institutions. Nowadays children grow up in different family structures.
Of course, each of the listed types of families has its own specific features, and we will dwell on them later. However, the same psychological components are basic for family life: self-esteem, communications, rules and social ties.
Relations in the family are those threads, bonds, connections that unite people into a single whole. We will analyze their various components, and I hope this will help you better understand the structure of your family, find ways to renew relationships with loved ones. This will give you the opportunity to experience the joy of working together, of communicating in your “family team”.
As you read this book, you will sometimes be asked to do some exercises that will give you the knowledge of how you should act in a given situation when communicating with other people. I ask you to try to complete all the suggested exercises, even if they seem primitive and stupid to you. Doing them will help you ensure that the situation in your family becomes less anxious and more psychologically mature. The more family members who participate in this work, the greater your success will be. You know perfectly well that it is difficult to learn to swim standing on the shore, you can learn to swim only on the water.
If you are not sure that your family members will agree to work with you, I can advise you to feel in your heart what exactly you would like to ask them for, and make your request very simple and very direct. If you are truly determined to work together and believe that it will bring results, then the request will sound very attractive, and your loved ones will want to help you. Ask them: “Would you like to participate with me in an experiment that might be interesting and useful for us?” - such a question will set them up for a positive decision as much as possible.
Remember that threats, demands, orders always lead to the opposite of what we want.
I watched a lot of tragedies that happened in different families. Each of them deeply touched me, penetrated into the soul. With the help of this book, I want to ease the pain of those families that I will never be able to meet. Moreover, I hope to prevent the difficulties that may await our children in the future. Of course, one cannot completely exclude pain from human life. There are two types of it: one - associated with the awareness of the problem; the second, which we experience when we are suppressed or blamed. And if the first pain cannot be avoided, then the second one in our life may not be. We can direct our efforts towards fixing what is changeable and finding the best ways to coexist with what cannot be changed.
Lord, give me the patience to accept what I cannot change,
Give me the strength to change what I can change And give me the wisdom to learn to tell the one from the other.
Reynold Neighborough
You better not say it. While reading this book, maybe you will experience both pains, remember something unpleasant, sad or difficult. New knowledge about yourself and how to take responsibility on your shoulders will surely bring difficult and difficult experiences.
However, if, when you close the book, you discover new possibilities and strengths in yourself and see new paths that your family can take, I believe that the task will be completed.
Satyr V.
How to build yourself and your family
Reviewer and author of afterword
Doctor of Psychology
A. S. Spivakovskaya
Translators: £ V. Novikova, M. A. Makarushkina
Satyr V.
From 21 How to build yourself and your family: Per. from English: improve. ed - M: Pedagogy-Press, 1992. - 192 p: ill.
The author of the book is the progressive American psychologist V. Satir, the founder of family counseling, the successor of the humanistic direction in psychology, invites the reader to talk about the problems of family life
How to teach to love and be loved, how to look at yourself through the eyes of your children, how to make family relationships humane - this is not a complete range of issues raised by the author. The book is written with sincere love for a person, faith in his creative abilities, with subtle and kind humor.
For a wide range of readers „ 4312000000-063,
005(01)-92
- 83-91
BBC 88.5
ISBN 5-7155-0284-5(CCCP) ISBN 5-7155-0031-5(USA)
© 1988 by Science and Behavior Books, Inc.
© Translation, afterword, artwork,
publishing house "Pedagogy-Press", 1992
Preface 2
Chapter 1. What does your family look like? 4
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4 How We Speak and How We Listen 16
Chapter 5 Communication Patterns 27
Chapter 6 Communication Games 33
Chapter 7
Chapter 8 Systems: Open or Closed? 44
Chapter 9
Chapter 10 Special Families 54
Chapter 11 Your Family Map 62
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14. Elements of a Family Life Project 83
Chapter 15
Chapter 16
Chapter 17
Chapter 18
Chapter 19
Chapter 20
Chapter 21
The world starts at home. (Afterword to the Russian edition) 124
How to build yourself and your family
Virginia Satir
The New Peoplemaking
Science and Behavior Books, Mountain View, CA, 1972
Reviewer and postscript author Doctor of Psychology A. S. Spivakovskaya
The author of the book is the progressive American psychologist V. Satir, the founder of family counseling, the successor of the humanistic direction in psychology, invites the reader to talk about the problems of family life
How to teach to love and be loved, how to look at yourself through the eyes of your children, how to make family relationships humane - this is not a complete range of issues raised by the author. The book is written with sincere love for a person, faith in his creative abilities, with subtle and kind humor.
Foreword
Chapter 1. What does your family look like?
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4. How We Speak and How We Listen
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8 Systems: Open or Closed?
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Chapter 15
Chapter 16
Chapter 17
Chapter 18
Chapter 19
Chapter 20
Chapter 21
The world starts at home.
Foreword
I was five years old when I decided that I would definitely become a children's detective. Then I vaguely imagined what this work would be like, but I distinctly felt that there was something in the family that was hard to see right away without delving deeply into the world of human relations, a world full of mysterious mysteries, often hidden from view.Now, after so many years, having worked with thousands of families, I am convinced that most of these mysteries have not been solved. The work taught me a lot, opened up new opportunities and prospects for further discoveries. Now it is quite clear to me that the family is a microcosm of the whole world. To understand it, it is enough to know the family. Manifestations of power, intimacy, independence, trust, communication skills that exist in it are the key to unraveling many phenomena of life. If we want to change the world, we need to change the family.
Family life is like an iceberg. Most people see only a small surface of it and delude themselves into thinking they see it in its entirety. Some guess that the iceberg is somewhat larger, but do not know what exactly its invisible part is. Not knowing all the intricacies of family life, you can direct it in a dangerous course.
Like the movements of an experienced sailor, who must take into account the shape and size of the hidden part of the iceberg in order for the ship to safely pass on the intended course, the life of the family depends on how much it understands, realizes and takes into account the feelings, needs, intentions, motives and thoughts of each of its members. , and they are often hidden precisely in the underwater part, obscured from us by everyday events, familiar words, actions and deeds.
I sincerely believe that today, when humanity is penetrating into the microcosm of the atom and into the gigantic spaces of intergalactic astronomy, it is possible to make significant progress in understanding an equally important question: what happens when one person communicates and interacts with another? I believe that in a thousand years, historians will define our time as the beginning of a new era, when every person becomes truly humane.
I thought for a long time about what humanity is, what kind of person can be called a humanist. A humanist is, in my opinion, one who understands, appreciates and develops his body, his body, himself, considers himself beautiful and necessary to people; one who is realistic and honest with himself and others; able to take a conscious and deliberate risk; strives for excellence and competence in the field in which he is engaged, looking for new ways in life and changing the situation, if necessary; he is not afraid of change; ready to give up the habitual, if it is expedient and prevents him and other people from correcting mistakes, if this is harmful.
As a result, a person becomes truly physically healthy, his life is filled with love, kindness, becomes natural, creative, permeated with deep feelings, personal responsibility. He stands firmly on the ground, is able to deeply love, fight difficulties and overcome them. He is equally capable of being gentle and tough, thoughtfully and consciously approaches his actions and, as a result, achieves his intended goals.
In my work with families, I have found that all the successes and failures in raising a new person are associated with four basic psychological phenomena.
Firstly, these are the feelings and thoughts of a person in relation to himself, I call them self-esteem.
Secondly, these are the ways in which people transmit various information to each other, share experiences and thoughts, I call these methods of communication.
Thirdly, these are the rules that people adhere to and follow in their lives. They make up a kind of totality, which I call the family system.
Give me the strength to change what I can change
And give me the wisdom to learn to distinguish one from the other.
Reynold Neighborough
You better not say it. While reading this book, maybe you will experience both pains, remember something unpleasant, sad or difficult. New knowledge about yourself and how to take responsibility on your shoulders will surely bring difficult and difficult experiences.
However, if, when you close the book, you discover new possibilities and strengths in yourself and see new paths that your family can take, I believe that the task will be completed.